new year, new leaf.

last night, i entered new territory. perhaps territory i should've stayed away from, but now that i've been there, i'm happy i went.

a few texts and phone calls between myself and mutual friends, and my roommate and i were headed to the ex-whatever's apartment, to hunker down under blankets and watch a few comedies.

he and i politely acknowledged each other upon my arrival, and then i spent the majority of the evening talking with friends as he inched closer and closer to me on the couch.

i inched closer and closer away.

when the time came to leave, i found myself alone with him.

i asked him how he was doing.

"i'm okay. i've got my shield up."

(these words went straight to my heart.... no matter how crazy he is, i know buried somewhere inside of him is a good man. a scared man.)

i thanked him for having us over and told him it was good to see him.

"you know.... you can stay with me if you'd like. i promise i won't try anything. i'd like you to stay."

i smiled, gave him a hug, turned, and walked out the door.

this isn't helping cure my baby fever.

the double standard.*

*disclaimer: i have high hopes that this phase of my life will not turn into a lifestyle.

the past few weeks have turned me into a full-blown man-hater. a constantly-ranting, never-dating-again cynical woman. seriously, i think i may be one bad date away from burning my bra and never shaving my armpits again.

why, you ask? a few experiences have left me completely burned out on the opposite sex.

1. last weekend, several sexually-charged text messages sent to me from a self-described "nice guy" about "just wanting to get to know me better," ranting about the "a**holes of the world who treat women like shi* and ruin it for those of us who want to treat a woman right." uh-huh. and i suppose by treating a woman right you mean implying how badly you want to come home with her after meeting her at the bar and talking with her for 20 minutes, immediately feeling comfortable enough to use the word "hun" in reference to her. (just to clarify, he most certainly did not come home with me.)

2. again last weekend, after running into an old bartender friend, i received several sexually-charged text messages from him. i should mention he happens to have a live-in girlfriend. (i do not appreciate being told my perfume makes someone horny when they've got a girl waiting for them at home, thank you very much.)

3. and finally-- an ex-whatever spending the two months we were "together" alternating between staying over nearly every night and calling nearly every day, to insisting he didn't want a girlfriend, to acting the jealous boyfriend part, to announcing to my roommate and i over breakfast that after two months of daily contact (emotional, mental and physical), he and i were most certainly not dating, to finally having it end when he decided i was simply too frustrating to deal with.

if any of the above instances had been initiated by a girl-- i.e. WE were the ones sending the texts, or spending two bipolar months with a man-- we'd be labeled "crazy," "psycho," or any other number of unflattering nicknames-- and we'd have to "learn from it." but a man is just simply being "himself." no consequences, no lessons, no feeling bad or guilty. just carrying on.

the double standard. it is for this reason that i will spend the foreseeable future loving my life as a man-hater.

the update.

one month, several "interesting" bus rides and one painful "breakup" later, here i am.

i've learned a lot in a month.

i've learned that working less than a mile from my dad (and in the skyway system at that, a wonderful, wonderful privilege for us minnesotans in the dead of winter) gives us the chance to share several lunches together, making our relationship the best it's ever been.

i've learned to (mostly) overcome my fear of elevators.... working on the 7th floor of a building will do that for you.

i've learned that even though it still might take me two hours to get home, taking the bus during a snowstorm is the absolute best way to go-- two hours and a 100 pages into valley of the dolls, and i'm home, sans all the stress that comes with that nasty traffic.


i've learned that i no longer want to waste any more tears on yet another man who doesn't deserve them, and i've learned that not only can i feel again, but that i can move on from those feelings and create my own happiness, control my own future.

excuses, excuses.

there are a lot of explanations for my absence, as i've been a busy woman these last few weeks. what have i been up to and why have i stayed away for so long? a few reasons.

1. new job with incredibly restrictive internet access.
2. new job which has me actually working 8-9 hour days.
3. new "boyfriend" (i use the term loosely as i'm dating a commitment-phobe rockstar..... which has opened a whole new set of issues for my therapist and me to discuss).
4. re-living the glory days of my 21st year, i.e. transforming myself into a nonstop social butterfly. which, at 26, has given me dark circles and a nasty cold i just can't overcome.

so, there you have it. if you told me i'd be at this very place when i began the blog in april, i might have laughed at you. dating a rocker?? working in the finance world?? and, most surprising of all, taking public transportation and crossing over into the "other city" (otherwise known as st. paul)???

so weird. yet so, so wonderful.

stay tuned.................................

we're all in this together.

(i think ben lee says it best, so i'll just let him write this one.)

woke up this morning
i suddenly realized
were all in this together
i started smiling
cause you were smiling
and were all in this together
im made of atoms
youre made of atoms
and were all in this together
and long division
just doesnt matter
cause were all in this together

i saw you walking
in the city
were all in this together
the city's changing
cause we are changing
and were all in this together
every twelve seconds
someone remembers
that were all in this together
in the kitchen
of your rent-control apartment
were all in this together

i know you think
about jumping ship before it sinks
but were all in this together
ask a scientist
its quantum physics
were all in this together
and on the subway
we feel like strangers
but were all in this together
yeah i love you and you love her
and she loves him
but were all in this together

you know baby
theres never been protection
in all the history of human connection
cmon darling
its alright to show me
you dont ever need to be lonely
once you start to open your heart

i saw you crying
i started crying
cause were all in this together

and then religion
its a big decision
but were all in this together

were all in this together

scaling the wall.

how do you keep your past from sneaking into your present?

he and i were done so long ago, and yet he's still right in front of me, a wall i can't seem to scale.

i don't think of him every day anymore. when i do think of him, it's either to smile at a rare sweet memory, or to remind myself of how far i've come since i put him in the past.

but when the new man in my life is sitting beside me, so is he. when the new man is telling me how much he likes me, i want to believe it, but he is telling me i don't deserve it, and the new man will only hurt me in the end. he's an ever-present presence, a wall preventing me from letting myself fall.

i want to fall. i want to put the past where it belongs and be in my present. but how to get rid of the ghost?

i only wish it could be so easy as to "just let go." because that's the thing about just letting go– it takes an awful lot of work.

yes we did.

first on my task list this morning? sending out a press release for my organization in which i wrote the words "President-elect Barack Obama."

of all the words i've written, these are the sweetest of them all.

happy election day– update.

a long line and a little over an hour later, and my vote was officially cast.

i've voted in every single election since turning 18, and i've never been more proud to stand in line and let my voice be heard than in this one.

perhaps it's because my world view is a little broader, perhaps it's because with age i've become a little wiser. perhaps it's because this time i believe my vote will truly change the world.

today, i cast my vote for all the women that fought so hard for so long for the right to vote in this country.

i cast my vote for all the women (and men) around the world that are still struggling for this very right.

i cast my vote for the troops that are fighting so hard to guarantee this freedom, and all freedoms, so their fighting is not in vain.

i cast my vote because i am so grateful to these ancestors, to my peers, for giving me the right.

happy election day.

no matter what your beliefs, no matter what "side of the aisle" you're on, no matter what gets you to the polls, just get there. and vote.

stopped.

do you ever have those moments that, when thinking back on them, stop you in your tracks?

last night, after a particularly meaningful, deep conversation, we were saying our goodbyes. he put his hand on my cheek, looked at me, and leaned in to kiss me goodnight.

today, just the thought of that moment is melting away the 13-page policy brief i have to read and design a press campaign for, it's melting away the argument with a friend, the desire to be outside on this beautiful fall day, the anxiety of starting a new job..... i'm stopped in my tracks.

cheeseball that i am.

hethie becomes a johnson.

such a beautiful bride! and so far from stella's.....

over the weekend, abby and i made the trek from minneapolis to sioux falls, sodak to watch our heather marry the man she loves. a beautiful ceremony, wonderful company and a night full of dancing and celebration– it doesn't get much better.....

....but then it does. i returned home monday to a job offer! in three weeks, i will be coming on to the marketing team of a financial firm downtown st. paul. i couldn't be more excited, more scared, and more sure that this is exactly the right move for me.

champagne all around!

update.

date #1 with the rocker tonight....
and reason #368 why i need to be letting these straight men take me out more often.

(ps i love you, josh.)

NKOTB

i was totally jordan's girl at nine...

sometimes i can't ever believe i was so enamored with these five boys at nine years old. (seriously. think t-shirts, sleeping bags, pillowcases, hats, SUSPENDERS... you name it, i had it in NKOTB.)

but the boys have grown into men, and man, were we swooning!

and, almost TWENTY years later, the experience of rocking out to "hangin tough" live is one i'll not soon forget. (and one that my nine-year-old self is extremely proud of my 26-year-old self for partaking in.) an awesome and slightly surreal night. abby, lisa and i survived it all with but a few injuries.

no, really. thanks to some lady fainting two rows above us, lisa took a tumble as the lady took her with for a ride down a row. super scary, especially since we were high above ground in the nosebleeds, but after all was said and done and everyone was safe and sound, the three of us couldn't contain our giggles about lisa getting injured at a new kids on the block concert.

all par for the course, i guess.....

by the end of the night, the three of us were fighting over donnie wahlberg... who woulda thought? jordan's girl has turned into donnie's woman!

the hills: minneapolis

last night, during dinner (and before the hills), my roommate and i were discussing the latest drama in our lives. (what can i say, the hills just gets us all hot and bothered for this kind of conversation.) not surprisingly for two single girls such as ourselves, most drama in our lives revolves around men.

case and point:
on saturday night, just as i was blissfully falling asleep after a fabulous night spent uptown, the new potential in my life; a rocker covered in tattoos– edgy, but with an incredibly sweet and engaging personality; texted me. up until that point, our relationship had been completely platonic. but after numerous flirtatious texts between us, it became quite obvious we were stepping it up to the next level. we made tentative plans for sunday night and around 3am, i finally fell asleep, with a huge smile across my face.

enter sunday morning, and work at 9am. after a week spent moving and a weekend spent working early and staying out late, i was ready to crash by 4pm. i sent rocker a brief text explaining my situation (i.e. my needing to be in bed watching E! by 6pm) and asked if i could take a raincheck.

his response?

"i suppose. just let me know what works for you and i will see what i can do."

my gut reaction?

what the hell is with the ice? and why in the world is he acting so cold over a cancellation of tentative plans made over buzzed texts at 2am on saturday?

in other words– why the DRAMA?

which prompted my roommate to make a profound observation.

while in our society, women are made out to be the more dramatic of the sexes, it seems as though we are always dealing with dramatic men in one way or another in our lives. true, we hang out with a lot of gay men, but the majority of this drama comes from the men we are either romantically involved with, or on our way to becoming romantically involved with.

why is this? is it because straight men don't have each other to be dramatic with, therefore they take it out on their poor, unsuspecting romantic counterparts? is it because they think drama is something women are attracted to? or are they just secretly watching episodes of the hills late at night in bed?

either way, i'm not counting him out just yet (i can't help it, a man with half-sleeves and an acoustic guitar just gets to me), but he does get a few brownie points knocked off.

all settled... for now.

the past week has been a complete whirlwind. everything is still blurry, but what is clear is that the new place (a mere two blocks from the old place) is adorable, cozy and all put together. after a hectic moving day, my roommate and i got to work making a home out of our living space, and i think we did a pretty good job.

and now... the whirlwind continues. an interview here, a concert there, a wedding in sioux falls, halloween in minneapolis, perhaps a date (or two), and work, work, work. all leading up to gluing myself to CNN on november 4th.

that's the thing about life– it never stops spinning. but at least i have a cute little place to come home to every night.

moving day.

wish us luck.......

the catch.

i am a daydreamer. more often than i should, i let my mind wander places it has no business being.

i think about all the days that have passed since he's been gone. how many pictures have been taken, phone calls received, experiences lived, without him. how much i've laughed and how much i've cried. he doesn't know about any of it.

he doesn't know how bittersweet i've come to know life to be. as much as he tried to tear me down, he doesn't know how strong he made me. or rather, how strong i became in spite of him. he doesn't know, and will never know, that as happy as i am, i still sometimes feel that catch in my throat, that catch that lets me know as far away as he may be, he hasn't quite left my heart.

i think about how if we ran into each other on the street he wouldn't even know who i am anymore. he who used to know every little thought, every emotion, every curve of my body. i wonder what would happen.... if we would hug, if our conversation would be awkward or comfortable, if we'd even acknowledge one another.

at the end of the daydream, i have no idea what would happen. nor do i really hope to ever know.

however, i do know this.

the catch. the catch will always be there.

leaving 20 groveland.

on wednesday, i am moving. leaving my first home in the city, and arguably, the first place i've had that truly feels like mine, like "home."

in thinking of how to "say goodbye" to my home via the blog, many sweet memories filled my mind.

those thoughts were interrupted early this morning as a man went slightly insane in the hallway of my building, screaming/yelling/banging/stomping. (think me locked in the bathroom with my cat frantically calling 911.)

perhaps it's not such a hard goodbye after all?

ah, but it is.

the screaming man, the pantsless dumpster diver, the pantsless corner market owner (seems to be quite the theme), they're all just a part of living in this city. in this city, on this street, that i've become so accustomed to. and now i'm leaving it.

leaving my first venture into the city to start my second one. leaving the only home leo's ever known to show him a second one. leaving the place where i fell so madly in love, and so bitterly out of love. so many meals cooked, music played, tears shed, love made, and on wednesday, i will shut the door to it all, hand the keys over and start making new memories.

so, with that, i say– goodbye, 20 groveland. we had a good run. i believe we did the city proud. and every time i drive down the street from here on out, i will smile at the memories of my twentysomething self giddy over her fabulous little apartment in her fabulous little city.

under the disco ball.

last week saw me bravely (and briefly) venture outside the dark, neon-lit world of the gay bar and into "straight-man-land....." a strange place i know nothing about.

a place where the men aren't constantly recounting their last sexual escapades in great detail, a place where i know more about fashion than my male counterparts, a place where men's jeans are bigger than my arm and football is discussed as a a sport, not as a fantasy. (but really, i've got to give the gays a little credit... who doesn't love buff men in tight pants wrestling each other?)

and what i found in this strange place wasn't so scary after all. in fact, after several conversations with a couple of cute, single (and most importantly, straight) men, i wondered to myself why i've spent so many nights under the disco ball dancing by myself amongst a group of men groping one another instead of me. (not that i want a man groping me on the dance floor, but you know what i mean.)

because, at the end of the day, as much as i love my beautiful gay friends, i want a man to dance with me. i want a man to take me home, to meet me at the end of the aisle, to have babies with me and grow old with me.

and preferably, not one who is a total a**hole or a big stoner. not one who sends me vulgar text messages, or one who asks me to take shots with him on our first date (on a tuesday night). definitely not one who has an affair with his (male) roommate behind my back, or confesses to me that he's "tried the bi thing."

and so it continues.... perhaps with just a little less time spent under the disco ball.

come and gone already?

my sodak BFF hit mpls this weekend for a few days of shopping, girl time and of course, kathy griffin with the boys. i don't think it would've been possible for us to have a bad time.

hard to believe it's already over and time for the big move to start.......












also, a couple of new discoveries and instant favorites of mine from this weekend:
common roots cafe..... the best grilled cheese sandwich and tomato/basil/red pepper soup i've ever had.
magers and quinn..... not only is it one of those funky/unique local bookstores that has that wonderful smell of books upon walking through the door, the awesome guys who work there dug through their shelves and found an old copy of valley of the dolls for me for $7. i will most definitely be headed back there for other wonderfully obscure finds.

friday fun.

taking a break from politics (and believe me, there is so, so much i could say), here's a bit of friday entertainment from one of my favorite ladies.

cheers to the weekend!

i am not myself these days.

last weekend, i started and finished i am not myself these days, one of the most amusing and surprisingly poignant memoirs i've read. the story follows a drag queen who moves to new york and falls in love with a drug-dealing hooker. not exactly a heartwarming, fuzzy read, but i found myself in laughter and in tears throughout the book, and oddly enough, i found myself completely relating to the story (though i'm neither a drag queen or a drug-dealing hooker).

if you still don't believe me, i'll let josh kilmer-purcell speak for himself. following is the one excerpt i found spoke the loudest to me, and to my experiences.

i try to make myself realize that i have learned the difference between right and wrong. that there is such a thing as right and wrong. but instead i've learned that these are things– this "right," this "wrong"– these are things that we are told. simply told to believe. these are things we have not tested. and while most of the things we are told may be true, it is not until we have tested them, taunted them, flaunted them, that we truly know they are right. or wrong. or true. or false. or somewhere in-the-f*cking-between. and i think i know now a little better which is which. and i also know i'll never quit testing this world. i'll never rely on common knowledge. or common denominators. or even common sense, for that matter. to do so would be too, well, common.

a worthwhile read for sure.

happy birthday to you.

to my sister, my friend, my nonromanticlifepartnersexlesslover soulmate.

from "easy access," capfuls of vodka, dancing with iron rods on the fireplace (actually...that doesn't sound too safe, i'm scolding our 19-year-old selves!), crying over boys, rejoicing over new ones, crying over them... too many stories to count, too many margaritas consumed.....

to this.

brookings, sodak, to mpls, minn. and a whole lotta love in between.

as old abe lincoln says.... "and in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. it's the life in your years." you've packed a huge life into 27 short years, my friend. i've been so blessed to join you on your path these last nine years... i can't wait to see what the next 27 bring. and the next 27 after that.

cheers to you, my angie! then...

and now....

deal breakers.

the other night, before my conversation with matt went deep and philosophical, we grazed the surface of things for awhile.

new(ish)ly single, matt had gone on a first date a few nights before. a thirtysomething "glamazon" (his word, not mine) from the suburbs, they met at one of my favorite happy hour places in suburbia.

he said she was nice enough, despite downing four glasses of wine, at $16 a pop. (seriously. who does that on a first date?) but there was one thing about her that was a complete deal breaker.

i was curious; matt and i have never had the "deal breaker" conversation. i wanted to know what his was.

"are you ready for it, brooke?"
"yes matt, i'm sitting down."
"she has fake breasts."

i was not expecting that one.

perhaps it's because i'm not a man, and therefore, i don't think like a man. perhaps it's because i've never really thought of a man as capable of having deal breakers, let alone ones that include surgically enhanced breasts. i've just always figured a straight man would chase anything in a skirt, and that nothing, big or small-chested, could keep him from doing so.

then again, matt is pseudo-straight. and i do hang out with many, many gay men. so what do i really know about the straight ones?

live blogging.... on the debate.

8:02 PM first debate! so, so exciting. goosebumps all over. (i'm just that girl.)
8:04 PM i really do wish obama would stop using the phrase "defining moment." i'm 100% behind you mr. obama, but. we get it already.
8:11 PM obama: "we need accountability, but not just when there's a crisis." preach on.
8:12 PM oh, a little humor! a self-depricating mccain joking about his old age! i love it. until i think of his old age, and the next-in-line being sarah palin, and then.... not so funny.
8:14 PM oh, spending in washington is out of control, mr. mccain? you must be referencing the $5,000 a second we're spending on the iraq war, right? okay, just wanted to check.
8:18 PM love the split screen. it's so rosie o'donnell/elizabeth hasselbeck!
8:19 PM mccain made a couple of funnies to himself. he he.
8:23 PM is it just me, or does obama's hair look significantly grayer? poor guy. this whole campaigning business has quite obviously taken its toll on him.
8:27 PM thank you for mentioning hybrid vehicles, obama. they are what i spend my weekdays pushing to the public and to the media. ahhhhh, and my work (hopefully) means something. soon.
8:32 PM "wrong-headed?" hmmmm, obama, use a different phrase please. you've got a lot of them in your vocabulary.
8:37 PM mccain: "i've fought unnecessary and wasteful spending...." ummm...like, $5,000 a second?
8:38 PM is this the third time mccain has used "miss congeniality" in reference to himself? just wondering.
8:30 PM first mention of sarah palin!! i've been waiting for this all night.
8:42 PM FOUR THOUSAND LIVES. so, so sad.
disclaimer: i am a liberal who fully supports our brave troops. but to me, troop support and administration support are two very, very different things.
8:45 PM uh oh, here comes the inevitable patriotism plug those conservatives are so fond of endlessly pushing.
***8:48 PM quick cake break, because i fully support obama's position that we need more troops in afghanistan. chocolate will just help this broken record go down a little easier.***
***8:52 PM leo looks at me with eyes of judgment, like perhaps i shouldn't be eating said piece of cake. need to run to the kitchen to get him a treat.***
8:59 PM can someone please explain to me what "failure" means in terms or iraq? i mean, there are no weapons of mass destruction. sadam hussein is dead. isn't it time to move those troops to afghanistan and focus on the taliban and finding bin laden?
9:00 PM obama mentioned green bay.... he's got my mom's vote.
9:05 PM the right-wing use of the politics of fear is so incredibly frustrating.
9:08 PM diplomacy should be the cornerstone of foreign policy. YES. WE. CAN.
9:17 PM i'm really surprised the fact that russia is neighbors with sarah palin hasn't come up yet.
9:24 PM yep. 90 minutes is definitely long enough for a debate. my ADD is totally kicking in.
9:26 PM oh no. the inevitable 9/11 question.
9:36 PM yes we can, mr. obama. YES WE CAN.

signing off... hope you've enjoyed.

40 days.

the bigger picture.

about that whole meltdown/resisting change thing.

last night, though i wanted nothing more than to sit at home and wallow in my resistance, i decided that it might be a good idea to get out and join the three-dimensional world. at least for a little bit. my pseudo-straight friend matt invited me to see a movie with him, so i left my self-pity at home and headed uptown to meet him.

a little early, i casually strolled from my car, enjoying my surroundings. i passed the vintage theater, where a group of enthusiastic and passionate people were holding an obama campaign event. next door, the greasy dive bar, home to my absolute favorite breakfast in the whole world, brimming with patrons. leaves on the ground, cars passing by, people in the midst of conversation and laughter.

so, so lovely.

by the time i met matt at the theater, our movie was sold out. deciding not to part ways, we went to the independent instead and had one of those unexpectedly fabulous and deep conversations over red wine and hummus.

i guess sometimes it does pay to step outside your door and into the bigger picture.

deep breaths.

things are feeling very.... unsettled. life is changing very quickly, or at least little parts of it, and it's left me anxious, unfocused, irritable and feeling very much off balance.

i'm not a person who adapts well to change. i welcome my weekly routine of work. i love that every wednesday night is 'project runway' night with my friends and that every sunday afternoon is set aside for my weekly grocery shopping trip. i'm perpetually five minutes early to everything and i haven't changed my shampoo brand in years.

ummmm.... can you say 'neurotic?'

i hate to say, 'i can't help it,' because really. i can. there's no excuse. i'm 26. it's time to be a little less rigid, a little more go-with-the-flow.

so... what's the solution? therapy? running? the happylite? another eckhardt tolle book? taking wheat out of my diet?

eh. maybe there aren't any solutions, any answers. perhaps it's just a matter of taking things a day at a time, not getting caught up in the whirlwind, and continuing to breath. deeply. through it all.

LGLM5K

on sunday, jackie, phil and i made our way to lake calhoun to participate in the first LGLM5K "walk around the world." held in honor of liz goodman logelin, a wife/mother/sister/daughter who was taken too soon.

a beautiful day honoring a beautiful life.


read more about matt, liz and madeline at matt's blog.

happiness is....

recently, i came across a facebook group created solely for its members to upload pictures of what makes them happy. being the little stalker that i am, i perused the album and found myself smiling at all the pictures taken in moments of pure happiness. inspiration set in and i made a little album of my own random happy moments.... enjoy. and cheers to a beautiful weekend.

project runway night turned political.

age ain't nothin but a number.... is it?

this weekend, my low-key saturday night turned into lively conversation when a few unexpected visitors dropped by. after a considerably mild conversation about the recent happenings in the world of politics, talk turned to my friend's recent date. a first date. with a 20-year-old. (he's 27.)

reactions were mixed. the age gap is too large (one friend); it's fine (me, speaking from the experience of dating older men); "if you can get it, hit it!" (my best friend... though i think at this point the margaritas were speaking for her.)

one friend brought up the double standard of dating outside your age range; while it's seemingly fine for men, it's considered distasteful and borderline humorous for women to do the same thing. i mean, think about the nicknames that are affixed to the genders; men get nicknames like "playboy," and women are stuck with the often joked about infamous "cougar" nickname. (though, according to my friend, i'm still a "puma"... the cougar nickname will not be bestowed on me until i'm at least in my late thirties.)

fast forward to sunday night. after shopping for arts & crafts supplies (no, that is not a typo), jackie and i met up with my cousin miranda and her friend dan for a casual happy hour. i'd met dan before, when miranda brought him along to my birthday party, and though i thought he was incredibly gorgeous then (tall, dark and handsome= my type), i didn't really get to talk to him until last night. our conversation bordered on the flirtatious, until he revealed his age.

23. NEWLY 23. (confirm with jackie; i rather inappropriately balked at this.)

now, i've always been the girl to date older men; younger men (and men that graduated high school the same year as my baby sister nonetheless) have always seemed a little too high-maintenance for me, and i've always laughed off the idea of getting involved with one of them.

but really. he's gorgeous. and funny. laid-back, easy to be around, loves football and is a total obama supporter. so what if he's 23.... right?

whether or not this puma is going to pounce remains to be seen, but the bear hug and kiss on the cheek from dan at the end of the night has spilled over into lots of smiles today.

september restaurant club.

my friend abby is one of the most fun-loving, hilarious people to be around, so it was no surprise that she chose the chatterpox pub, a quirky bar known for its ample supply of board and video games for entertainment, as the meeting place for september restaurant club.

the girls and i walked in to my mom and her best friend giggling and sampling the different microbrews chatterbox has on tap... a scene that always guarantees a fantastic night and lots of good stories!

the majority of us settled on the chatterbox speakeasy lager, while lisa and deanna sampled a couple of the fun, unique drinks chatterbox is known for (deanna's strawberry lemonade mimosa looked like heaven in a glass).

perusing the menu, i found myself having an incredibly difficult time deciding what to order. while one may expect the typical bar food at a bar, the chatterbox is far from typical. i settled on the mediterranean burger, with sun dried tomatoes, feta and basil pesto mayo on focaccia bread. i think it goes without saying that the meal was absolutely delicious– i devoured every single bite. while this is not far from the norm, the food was on a different caliber than that served at other bars, and there were about 15 other menu items that went on my "must try next time" list.

after dinner, below the lights of the revolving disco ball, as karoake was being set up beside us, we played a round of apples to apples before calling it a night. but it's definitely not the last the chatterbox will be seeing of us ladies!

decisions, decisions.....

99% of our lives are comprised of choices. which career, where to live, who to marry, how many kids to have.... these are the big choices. the ones that present themselves very rarely throughout our lifetime, yet the ones that seem to define us the most. (or at least society's view of us.)

the little choices– the ones we make every day– don't seem quite as significant. but often, they bring about the most significant life experiences.

applying for the communications job with the nonprofit in the suburbs, not knowing it was going to bring me the most tumultuous (and passionate) year of my life.

deciding to give friendship a try with an ex's ex-girlfriend, not knowing she'd deliver life-altering (and life-saving) news to me during our first meeting.

adopting a cat on a (somewhat careless) whim, without realizing how much crazy love i'd have for him, even with MAJOR lack of sleep (thanks to his ongoing nocturnal habits).

driving up to fargo, not knowing it was going to cost me my old car... and bring me a wonderful, new, reliable one.

what if i made these decisions differently? what if one little aspect of them were different? would i be happier? healthier? richer? poorer?

normally, i try my hardest to stay out of the past and just simply be in the present. however, i find it fascinating how much of an impact these seemingly "little" everyday choices have on the bigger picture of our lives.

*part of this reflection stems from the book i'm reading for book club this month. check it out. it's definitely a worthwhile read.

the modern day fairy tale?

call it a breakthrough of sorts. these words escaped my mouth last night, during a teary conversation with a friend over yet another man come and gone.

"i don't want a man to treat me like a princess or put me on a pedestel, nor do i want a man to constantly kick me to the ground. i just want one to treat me like an equal."

and so it continues.

happy, happy friday.

pure inspiration.

"....after so many decades, 88 years ago on this very day the 19th amendment guaranteeing women the right to vote would forever be enshrined in our constitution.

my mother was born before women could vote. but in this election my daughter got to vote for her mother for president. this is the story of america. of women and men who defy the odds and never give up.

how do we give this country back to them?

by following the example of a brave new yorker, a woman who risked her life to shepherd slaves along the underground railroad.

on that path to freedom, harriet tubman had one piece of advice:

if you hear the dogs, keep going.
if you see the torches in the woods, keep going.
if they're shouting after you, keep going.
don't ever stop. keep going.
if you want a taste of freedom, keep going."

– hillary clinton, democratic national convention, august 26, 2008

back to reality.

after spending the weekend with my girlfriends, their husbands, their babies and their pregnant bellies (in case anyone is keeping track, i received TWO pregnancy announcements during my three days in fargo), i returned home only to learn that my 600-mile weekend road trip had done catastrophic damage to my poor car. it is dead and there is no bringing it back.

so, instead of being lazy and catching up on some much-needed sleep (who knew babies cried throughout the night?), this week is lending itself to some frantic car shopping and lots of mad math, trying to figure out what i can actually afford.

college and the land of no responsibilities has never seemed further away.

(on the upside, i will very soon have a new, reliable car to get me from mpls [aka "reality"] to college town so i'm able to continue to be a big part of all of these growing families– and for that, i'm very grateful!)

the little weekend road trip.

this weekend, this not-so-single city girl is making the trek up to fargo, north dakota for the first time in two years. two years and two babies later, i cannot wait to see my college friends and their children.

"their children."

even though the first one was born eight months ago, it's still a phrase i can't believe i'm uttering, as having children of my own still seems so foreign to me. three hours west on interstate 94 and i'll be entering a new planet.

the last time i was in my college town, the memories of studying for a final, having all-night sex and the city marathons, drinking cheap champagne and giggling over new boyfriends were all still fresh. four years after graduation, the memories are becoming hazier... but they mean just as much.

this weekend, bottles of champagne will surely be replaced by bottles of milk, and instead of giggling over a new boyfriend, i will be oogling a new baby– and i couldn't be happier about it.

a very happy birthday, indeed.

what project runway wednesdays look like at 20 groveland....

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straidar

last night, i floated through my door after my fourth date with softball spark (aka christopher). we had dinner at an adorable and delicious little nepalese restaurant settled into a corner on grand avenue. afterwards, we trekked back to his st. paul apartment (yes, i'm dating one from "the other side") and, like something out of a cheesy romantic comedy, we spent the rest of the evening listening to cat power, the rain falling outside as beautiful background noise.

as much as i might try to fight it, the more time christopher and i spend together, the more i realize just how much time i want to spend with him.

however; i digress. back to the 10:30pm waltz into my apartment. i greeted my cat and called the only friend i knew would be up to relay the details of my date to him. after we hung up, i looked at my phone and saw it: a text from an ex.

since we live across the street from each other, this ex and i have been in sporadic communication, the last of which was a couple of weeks ago, when, after a few engaging late-night conversations on my stoop, he decided it was too much for him. he couldn't handle the "floodgate of communication."

i laughed his words off and continued about my life.

then, last night, a text out of the blue. after my hot date. coincidence? i don't think so.

this is just one more example that "straight man radar" (straidar?) really does exist, subconscious as it may be. in my experience, any time i start to think that a new man could possibly mean something to me, an old one reaches out. perhaps for friendship, perhaps for something more, always seemingly fighting to be back at the forefront of my mind.

not that this ex could ever do or say anything that would make me change my mind about christopher and run back into his arms, and not that he wants me back in his arms at all ; i just find it all so incredibly amusing.

ah, the ego of the straight man.

this is what MY 26 looks like.

dancing the night away at "too much love"

this week, i turn 26. TWENTY-SIX.

why is it that 26 seems so much older than 25? and shouldn't a 26-year-old know what she wants to do for a career, shouldn't she be starting to think about settling down, perhaps buying a house and having some babies?

at least that's what i hear my 18-year-old self (and my mother) screaming at my newly minted 26-year-old self.

but this is MY 26.

i still really have no idea what i want to do in terms of a career (though i feel i've started down the right path), but i'm having a lot of fun dreaming about the possibilities. and, at this point in my life, i don't really care to settle down and have babies– i've got the girls, the gays and my cat.

yes, all the makings of a true spinster. (but a fashionable one, at the very least.)

maybe by 30 this spinster will have a different mindset. but for now, i'm going to leap into 26.... and enjoy every moment of it.

things i learned over the weekend.

sometimes you just gotta break the rules, sneak out of work early on friday, and spend the afternoon experiencing the zoo through your favorite little toddler's eyes... it doesn't get much better.

"i want to be a big boy and ride the bumper cars!"

i'm much too old to be playing drinking games with 21-year-olds drinking cheap tequila, but i'm just the right age to sit on a rooftop drinking wine into the night with my favorite 40-year-old. (and i'll NEVER be too old for waterslides.)

suburbanites really enjoy naming their neighborhoods– i.e., the "south passages," "meadowbrook," and "wagon wheels" neighborhoods i passed all within a quarter mile of each other during my trip to south suburbia on sunday morning.

the nook really does serve a killer juicy lucy like everyone says– and it's in st. paul! (looks like i'm expanding my horizons)

first kisses are the best kisses.....

ten kinds of crazy.

this is what happens when you let yourself get completely carried away thinking about an outfit for date #2 with your big crush (aka softball spark).

with "nothing" in your closet, and no time to round up the girls for a shopping trip, you reluctantly go by yourself, take a picture of what you bought, email it around, and hope for nods of approval.

(yes, i am fully aware of my neuroses, i accept and embrace them.)

i wonder if he's doing the same thing?

sentiments from a balcony in northeast.

saturday night– punch pizza and fireworks with 12 of the city's most eligible gay bachelors. (water, water everywhere....) a few of them my close friends, a few i had met once or twice, a couple i had never met.

i looked around at them as we stood on the 11th floor balcony overlooking the city and the awesome display of fireworks being shot off on the bridge below us. i wondered if perhaps i belonged there; if perhaps my grandma was right, that i need to stop hanging out with unavailable (to me) men all the time and start thinking about settling down. after all, i was the only girl on the balcony. and the only heterosexual.

but then phil looked at me, smiled, handed me the bottle of champagne we were passing back and forth (it's class all the way with us) and said something to the effect of how lucky we were, of what a beautiful night it was, of how amazing the fireworks were from the balcony. on my other side, brent held up his bottle of champagne and we all toasted to the sentiment.

i don't know if i could've loved life more at that moment.

happy friday!

love, brooke and leo (the disco diva)

ready to dance the weekend away!

grey skies ahead....

the email finally came at 4:42 PM on tuesday afternoon, as i was talking to my best friend. three little words nearly caused her to lose her hearing due to my giddy screams:

"let's do it."

my heart literally jumped out of my chest. (my heart hasn't done that since the gorgeous nathan n. said "hello" to me in the hallway of anoka high school in 1997.)

we agreed to meet at my place at 8 PM on wednesday night and walk over to the park to catch a sunset screening of purple rain, one of his favorite movies and one i hadn't yet seen.

at 8 on the dot last night, he showed up. incredibly nervous beforehand, this pollyanna's nerves melted away as soon as he walked in the door– i actually felt comfortable.

we walked to the two blocks to the park, talking the whole way. we spread out the blanket, and continued our conversation; as the sun set and the movie began, our words turned to whispers, but they never really stopped.

so ten sentences have now turned into too many to count, and my head is a mess of happy jumbled thoughts today.

i have no idea what's next, but i'm proud to admit i jumped completely out of my comfort zone and did the unthinkable– i boldly asked him out. (well, as bold as an email can be.) my black-and-white world as i knew it with him is quickly becoming a blurry grey... and i love it.

the spark update.

as previously mentioned, i am crushing impossibly hard on the left fielder on my softball team.

he's good-looking in that charming, old-fashioned way– curly strawberry blond hair, big blue eyes, freckled skin. he has this quiet, mysterious personality that intrigues me to no end. our mutual friend waxes on about what a great guy he is. top that off with the discovery of an "i heart my cat" bumper sticker on his car last week, and it's official. i'm in love.

not that he has any indication whatsoever of this. because when i'm around him, my confidence mysteriously disappears and i turn into a bumbling idiot. the four sentences we'd exchanged as of a month ago have turned into about ten, and they've gotten me nowhere.

finally, though, this morning– an opportunity.

our mutual friend asked me to join her for music & movies in the park in my neighborhood on wednesday night. i casually asked her if i perhaps should invite my spark. she responded enthusiastically and told me that yes, i should email him and invite him along.

one email sent, one anxious girl spending the day biting her nails and waiting for a response......

low-key weekend= all kinds of awesome

friday night was homemade stir-fry and ps i love you, a sappy love story about a woman who loses her husband and spends the rest of the movie trying to find herself. i'm almost ashamed to say i bawled my way through it, except sometimes a good cry through a cheesy movie can feel wonderful.

saturday was the much-anticipated "girls day" on the boat in eagle lake. despite a quick rainstorm (from which we took shelter in a house that could've been on MTV's "cribs...." complete with theater room and art gallery), we lazily floated through our day, finally docking around 9pm. tanned and tired, i headed home for another early bedtime.

sunday i finally experienced the mpls institution that is hidden beach. with bongos as background music and the slight scent of pot filling the air, matt and i caught up on life under the hot sun amongst the dreadlocked and tattooed hippies. he even got me to take a dip in the infamous mud pit, for about five seconds. (which equaled a 45-minute shower upon my return home.)

a few groceries and a couple more chapters of obama's life later, i tucked myself in. another great weekend giving way to the start of the workweek. which will surely be spent planning next weekend.

oh, how i love summer.

a reflection on some level.....

the other day, i was asked by a newly single friend, "do you think you'd be okay if it was just you for the rest of your life, if you never got married?" my answer only slightly surprised me– yes. i would be okay. not only that, i'd be happy.

i used to be the single girl who would look at my happily coupled friends and family with envious eyes, full of jealousy. i couldn't attend a wedding without feeling completely anxious that it would never be me; that my dad would never get a chance to walk me down the aisle. i would constantly wonder, "when is it MY turn?"

but somehow, over the past year or so, that question has quietly slipped out of my mind. the sight of a friend's new engagement ring no longer provokes anxiety that i might never have a diamond of my own; instead, i'm able to completely share in her happiness. i can go to weddings, smile at the happy bride and groom exchanging vows, dance the night away with my sister or a girlfriend, and not once feel the jealousy that used to consume me at these types of occasions.

call it a transition, a growth period, or just simply a matter of maturing– it feels good to feel content.

on a related note, last weekend, i had the chance to sit down with an ex-boyfriend for a candid conversation about love and relationships– our relationship, and those we've had with others. it was an interesting conversation, to say the least, and i actually took a lot away from it. the most important thing, however, was the absolute fact, now solidified in my mind AND my heart, that he and i are just not meant to be. a wonderful memory, a great love, someone who will always have a permanent presence in my heart– but one that was always meant to walk away from me.

and if there is someone out there who is meant to walk in and stay forever– i trust that he'll appear eventually.

scenes from a weekend outside the city.

chetek (WI) brewfest 2008

july restaurant club

last night, restaurant club met at il vesco vino, a quaint little italian place settled in a 19th century victorian mansion in st. paul.

it was a gorgeous night out, so the girls and i situated ourselves at a table on il vesco's equally gorgeous patio, complete with waterfall, bar and woodfire oven, which gave off the slightest, sweetest bonfire scent. as the italians say, i was already enamored with the place before i even got my water– the patio alone gave me the tiniest urge to move to st. paul so i could be close enough to frequent the place. (no worries, it was tiny and fleeting. i'm a mpls girl through and through.)

lisa and i split a carafe of a merlot/cabernet blend wine– just sweet enough her, just dry enough for me. disappointed to find they were out of the gnocchi i was so excited to try, i settled for the shrimp and mascarpone tortellini in a browned sage butter sauce. this dish did not disappoint– it was absolutely delicious, and just big enough to leave me feeling full, but not too full.

opting against dessert, the girls and i instead sipped our wine and chatted as the sun set. a beautiful summer night, a beautiful patio, and a delicious restaurant i highly recommend– and, despite its being in the "other city," i will surely be back again.

barbie goes to work.

after spending the first two days of the week rotating between the doctor, my couch, and the kitchen for more juice (and antibiotics), i am proud to say i've relinquished my status as an invalid and have once again joined rank with the three-dimensional world. and i must say– it feels good.

my first day back at work this week, my "hump day," i was given a raise and loads of praise by my boss. not a bad way to ease back into the work week, if i do say so myself. later that afternoon, i got a frantic call from one of the producers of a local radio show, desperately needing a guest. being the savvy PR girl that i am, i arranged for a colleague of mine to be interviewed, and i decided to go along, play publicist, and take some pictures.

walking home from downtown after the interview in my beige pencil skirt, big brown belt, lacy shirt and heels, i told a friend i was chatting with on the phone that i felt so "barbie goes to work." amongst all the career men and women, i felt like such a career woman myself. and then it hit me.

i AM a career woman! (for a lack of a better word– is it just me or does "career woman" sound so 1958?)

sure, i don't have my "dream job," i might not have the corner office with the view or oodles of responsibility, but i'm right where i should be. i'm getting those much sought-after resume experiences, and i'm excelling at them. i don't mind getting up for work in the morning, and after spending two days chained to the couch with no human contact (other than an incredibly eccentric doctor), i realized that i quite enjoy getting up and going into the office.

if i'm not already in my element, i'm well on my way to getting there.

happy first birthday, prince leo!

life is a highway....

as i walked home from my fun-filled weekend with the boys and my girl, happily exhausted and ready to fall into my couch for an evening of trashy TV, i decided to call benjamin. just to see what he was doing.

"oh, i'm just getting a bath ready for the baby."

(i should probably mention at this point that benjamin is, in fact, a single dad to a 14-month-old child.)

i stopped dead in my mini-dress and cowboy boots. here i was, 7pm on sunday evening, walking home from a day with friends, after having spent a blurry weekend filled with drinks, dancing, conversation and pizza, not a care in the world– and he was at home with his child.

i knew from the start that he had a child. i was willing to go with it, because i thought to myself– i'm in my twenties. at some point i have to settle down. perhaps this is my time.

but it's not.

i'm a single city girl whose only major responsibility is a silly little cat. and while it might not be enough for some, i absolutely love it. i love going out for thai at the drop of a hat, i love movie nights at home by myself, i love random nights of dancing that happen by chance, just because they can.

and he's a suburban boy with A CHILD. feedings and baths and bedtimes and major, major responsibilities. and while it might be absolutely wonderful for some, right now, it's just not for me.

and that's perfectly okay.

pride weekend roundup.

after being reunited with one sodak friend, dancing to madonna 58 times, engaging in a slightly awkward makeout session with a gay man on the dance floor, consuming a ridiculous amount of fried food and encountering but one straight man the entire weekend, i am now in full recovery mode from the weekend those of us "in the know" look forward to all year long– gay pride. otherwise known as "new years."

free your mind– not only the theme of this year's celebration, but also a message of hope. while to outsiders, this weekend may seem like just one more excuse to engage in drunken debauchery, for this proud ally, it's also an incredibly important celebration of equality and justice for all. the ability to be free no matter what your race, religion or sexual orientation. perhaps sometime in our lifetime, we won't even need a specific weekend to celebrate this– it will just be the way it is.

we can only hope.