the next chapter.

over the course of a long weekend, i feel as though my life has been flipped.

(it has.)

i am ridiculously, insanely, crazy happy with someone who seems to be just as ridiculously, insanely crazy happy with me.

it's not without complications and neither of us have absolutely any idea where this is going. somewhere for sure, but as for right now- we're just enjoying this ride.

so while this seems to be the perfect time to write about falling in love with him, i'm going to take a break from the blog and focus on the ride.

(besides, the four of you who read this will know all about it anyway.)

looking back, everything that i've written about in this blog for almost two years feels like it's been leading up to this moment.

time to look ahead.

it is what it is...

he's your typical "good-on-paper" guy.

we dated earlier this year. for one reason and another (and another...), it did not work out. and now we're friends.

we see each other fairly often. we engaged in some flirtatious behavior* at a mutual friend's birthday party last month. (*albeit after a few cheap beers.) we talk occasionally and we've both agreed to leave the door open on "us." we both agree that while right now might not be the right time, perhaps a right time will come someday.

my mom adores him. my sister wonders why we aren't together. and i know why we aren't.

but yesterday- he did a very nice favor for me, even though it was a weird request on my part. went completely out of his way to do it and then stopped and chatted for awhile at my place after.

and when he left- i smiled. i really enjoy his company and his friendship. and i'm really happy i'm letting myself let this friendship grow. no pressure, no deadlines, no manic thoughts of babies or weddings... it just is what it is.

and so i'll just continue what i'm doing. dating the guy i'm dating (more on that later), attending mr. good-on-paper's thanksgiving party this coming weekend and enjoying life... without manic thoughts of babies or weddings.

it's a nice way to live.

a letter to my 18-year-old self.

after reading a couple of these by other people, i was inspired to write my own. i encourage you to do it for yourself!

slow down. enjoy being young, enjoy having the ability to schedule your day around soap operas instead of business meetings. quit hating the dorms and wishing for graduation day to come; it will come soon enough. too soon.

you think you're too fat and i know you cried when you ripped your prom dress after trying it on, but trust me. you're a skinny bitch. seriously- have another cheeseburger and don't worry so much about getting curves- you're already late to the game in getting them. embrace it honey- they're only going to grow!

your gut reaction to his proposal was the right one (in fact, your gut reaction to everything is almost always the right one, so trust it). and although it may have taken you longer to realize it than i wish it would have, you'll get there. you'll realize that as wonderful of a guy as he is, he's not YOUR wonderful guy. and that while letting him go might hurt both of you for awhile, in the end, it'll make you both happier than you ever could have been together.

and then you'll get your heart broken and then you'll get it broken again. and there will be moments when you find yourself unable to get off the bathroom floor, questioning your existence in this world, because of one man or another. but you will pick yourself up. eventually, you will learn how to move on. you might not be as innocent as you once were, but you'll also have gained something you didn't have before- perspective.

and the perspective is that if you don't love yourself first, no man ever will. and even if he does, it won't be worth it. you shouldn't look outside for something that is already within you. and only when you realize this is when you'll be truly happy. you'll work damn hard every day of your life achieving this, but you will be happy. it will take work, but it will be so, so worth it in the end.

(just remember that happiness doesn't always come easily. you will stumble again, you will have to learn how to pick yourself up again. but it is in those times you gain the most strength, so cherish those bad times just as much as you cherish the good ones.)

shit will happen. people will die and it will be horrible. and when that happens, be there. be there for the people that you love. because one day, you will need them too. (and we really are all in this together.)

accidents will happen, as will fights with friends. but that cheesy cliche is true- this too shall pass.and the ones that are meant to be in your life will be.

mostly, just know that even if it doesn't seem like it at the time, everything will be all right.

oh, and don't ever take shit from anyone.

with love,
27-year-old you

27 life lessons at 27.

since i will be celebrating another birthday in a few days, i thought i’d compile a list of my life lessons thus far, inspired by an email forward i received. enjoy the cheesiness!

1. i’ve learned to pray. meditate. be with my thoughts and be with god. it’s allowed me time to slow down, breathe and re-connect with the bigger picture.
2. i let myself sleep in every so often—it’s just a must.
3. i’ve worked really hard to quit wishing for what i don’t have—i spend too much time missing all the wonderful things i do.
4. having a good cry on the bathroom floor when i need to is better than therapy. (and then i pick myself up and move the hell on.)
5. it’s really not as bad as i think it is. and when i think i've got it bad, i remind myself there’s always someone out there who’s got it worse.
6. those 10 extra pounds i think i need to lose don’t really make a difference to anyone else in my life (i think), so why do i let them make such a difference to me? in the end, it’s all crap anyway.
7. i've found causes i believe in and support… whether it’s through time or money, i’ve found it to be an incredibly important piece of my life, a way to gain perspective and see the bigger picture.
8. mothers are always going to worry and that’s just the way it is.
9. when i ask for advice, i truly want it, but i always try and remember that in the end, the only person walking my path is me.
10. i try to keep this in mind when giving advice as well.
11. cheesy as it may be (and it is), one of the greatest feelings i have is that i own my sexuality and feel like a woman at all times—thank you nonromantic life partner, for instilling that in me so many years ago.
12. the best way to truly appreciate my home and my surroundings is to leave them for awhile.
13. and the best place to get away is most certainly south beach.
14. patience is a virtue and one that i will likely never have.
15. the only two people who will ever truly know what a relationship is like are the two people in it.
16. cats can be a major pain the ass—the hair, the litter, the meowing at 4 in the morning—but having my cat fall asleep purring next to me makes it all worthwhile.
17. when i was a child, all i wanted was to be an adult. now that i'm an adult, there are many days that i want to go back to being a child. i guess my mom WAS right…
18. when it comes to friends—quality, not quantity.
19. the best times in my life are always completely random and unplanned.
20. experience is what i get when i don’t get what i want.
21. i am so grateful i’ve taken the time to know myself before committing to anyone else.
22. my dad is the best man i've ever met—even when he pisses me off, i can’t imagine a better guy out there.
23. this too shall pass. (that one is for you, quiche love burger.)
24. cubicles are known to be dreary little spaces in which to spend the majority of your week—but trust me, all you need is some funky fabric, fake flowers and a bunch of pictures and it will become a place you actually look forward to being at!
25. i like to refer to my tattoos as “the roadmap of my life—“ and they really are. i cherish every one of them and the meaning behind them.
26. i've learned not just the importance, but the absolute necessity of having my wonderful women (from my mother to my sister to my best friends) in my life. no matter which boyfriend-of-the-moment happens to be drifting in or out, they always have and always will be there. priceless.
27. i may be 27, but i'm still going to put on a bright blue tutu skirt and throw myself an alice in wonderland themed birthday party. what the hell—i only live once and i want to throw some sparkle into the world on my ride, damn it!

the sweet ain't as sweet...

lesson of the day: "the sweet ain't as sweet without the bitter, baby."

recently, i had a conversation with a co-worker as we were driving in between meetings. one of her favorite topics of conversation is her two little girls and i love to hear her talk about them- her face lights up and the energy and love with which she speaks of them is lovely to be around.

this conversation revolved around the girls' bedtime a few nights before. as she finished reading a story to her three-year-old and was ready to tuck her into bed, her little girl said, "mama, i don't want you to go yet, it makes me sad." and she told her little girl, "it's okay to be sad."

it's okay to be sad.

she told me that's an important life lesson she wants to pass on to her daughters. so many of us try and skip over the sadness by over-indulging ourselves to forget about the pain-- too much eating, too much drinking, too much of something so we can forget about the sadness. but if we let ourselves feel the sadness-- if we treat it less as a disease and more as a necessary emotion from time to time, maybe it won't be so awful.

so.

last night, i was sad. and i cried. and i let myself feel it. today- i am sad. and i will let myself feel it.

and i am absolutely confident that better days are ahead, that this will pass and it will all be okay.
lesson of the day.

do you ever have one of those moments?

where you're runningrunningrunning through the day and all of a sudden you just stop.

and think.

is this really me?

when i was little, i'd always watch the business men and women walking through downtown, hoping that someday i would be one of them. i had no idea what it would consist of, what my life would have to be like in order to be one of them, but i just knew i wanted it.

today, crossing 6th st. downtown in my plaid skirt and black heels, sun on my face, rushing to get to a meeting, i realized it.

i've become what i wanted to become.

it doesn't really feel as how i imagined it would.

it's so much better.

monday morning satori.

i seem to be incredibly fond of pulling other people's words for my own blog these days. which is fine, as i seem to be at a loss for "stories" to share.

this quote is from he's just not that into you, which i watched for the gazillionth time last night. it's the last line in the movie and it never fails to get me just a little teary-eyed.

enjoy!

"girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up.

if a guy punches you he likes you. never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending.

every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. but sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. how to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. and maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe...

it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope."

desiderata.

(by Max Ehrmann)

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,

even to the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;

they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals,

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love,

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

a good reminder.

my best friend posted this a few months back and not-so coincidentally, i came across it again today, on just the day i needed such a reminder. thanks carrie, for posting these lovely words! a good reminder for us all.

what is self-consciousness? unquestionably, self-consciousness is the result of too much self-thought. the self-conscious are always conscious of themselves, wondering whether they are impressing people, hoping that they are not making blunders, uncomfortable, unhappy, ill at ease! ...forget about yourself! and there is only one sure way to forget about yourself. think more of others! take a keener and more sincere interest in people. send your thoughts abroad, far beyond the selfish little boundaries of your personal world...it is when we forget ourselves that we do the really worth-while and interesting things. it is when we forget ourselves that we find beauty everywhere around us, that we see charm in the most commonplace people, that we feel happy and at ease in the company of our fellow beings. forget about yourself!

from the mind of erica jong...

i've recently begun reading fear of flying, mostly out of obligation, as it's one of The Classics, but also because it's been hailed as a book that "defines feminity and sexuality." two of my favorite things, naturally.

thus far, i've found it to be slightly pretentious and hard to follow, but 173 pages or so in, i found a couple passages that spoke to me.

"i knew that that the women who got the most out of life (and out of men) were the ones who demanded most, that if you acted as if you were valuable and desirable, men found you valuable and desirable, that if you refused to be a doormat, nobody could treat on you."

lesson learned: i AM valuable and desirable, and i've NEVER treated myself as such. no matter what a man thinks, that's what i think and even on my worst day, that's what i'll keep telling myself. because i never want to be a doormat-- for anyone-- again.

"all women think they're ugly, even pretty women. a man who understood this could f**k more women than don giovanni. they all find fault with their figures. they all think their asses are too big, their breasts too small, their thighs too fat, their ankles too thick. "

lesson learned: stop obsessing. immediately. what's the point?

the statement is much more profound than that response deserves and i could most certainly dive deeper, but i'm late for a conference call.

time to put on my "career woman" hat....

in my head.

i've been in my head a lot lately. mostly fighting. a lot of frustrating, exasperating arguments have taken place over the last few months. i'm starting to feel a little mental. [okay, a lot mental.]

i've been so confused as to why this is. why, for when the first time in my life, i feel as though everything is going right, am i this frustrated? i've got the wonderful friendships, the supportive family, the great career, the cute little apartment in the city and most of all, the immense lack of negativity in my life. there are no storms; life is calm.

but that's the thing.

the storms have all passed and i no longer have to focus on surviving them; now, i've got to focus on all the debris that's been left behind and force myself to start picking up the pieces.

and that is proving to be harder than the storms themselves. because now the questions start. now that i don't have anything else to focus on, it's just me. it's what i want and need, no one else. and what do i want, what do i need, who am i, really, without any storms?

standing under a clear sky, amidst all the debris, trying to find those answers is scary as hell.

adjusting my vision.

i love inspiring words/mantras/phrases, so when i came across my particularly inspiring daily horoscope earlier this week, i immediately wrote it down in my planner, in a place where i could see it every day.

i think these words are not only inspiring for me (the ever-so-dramatic leo), but for every other zodiac sign as well.

enjoy!

amplifying the volume of romance in your life can be easy if you admit that romance doesn't just relate to a love relationship. romance exists wherever there is beauty, wherever there is music, wherever there are two people laughing over a private joke. you need to adjust your vision to include a wider view of what is romantic. then, you will start to see romance a lot more often. cherish the way you relate to the world. smell the roses. you're rushing around too much to notice the magic.

nightmare vs. reality

the last few nights, it's been like clockwork. i wake up with a gasp, dripping in sweat, hazy with sleep, wondering if the nightmare is real. they've all been so different, yet completely similar in their horrendous nature.

i've witnessed scenes in my nightmares that i don't wish to repeat in reality. but these nightmares have been so real, they've made me re-evaluate the way i live my reality.

and the reality is-- there's always something to complain about. i'm not thin enough; my hair isn't long enough. i don't own a house i'm not sure i'll ever have a successful relationship.

but i also have a college degree and a job that relates directly to my degree and my interests. i have an active social life and i live in a hip neighborhood in the heart of the city. i might not have a child quite yet, but i do have a cute little cat, whom i love with all my heart. (and i graciously accept and embrace all of the "crazy cat lady" references, thank you.)

life is good and i am LIVING it. so for that, i thank my insanely real nightmares for showing me what life very well COULD be like-- and for shutting up those nagging negative voices in my head.

happiness, part II.

recently, another man in my life engaged me in another uninvited conversation about my 'downfalls' and offered yet more unsolicited life advice on how to fix it all, using words i desperately wish were not part of the english language. unfortunately, this is not the first time the situation has played out in my life. fortunately, it will be the last.

i debated whether or not to share this intensely personal letter written to him (never to be sent, only used as a tool to empty myself of my anger and frustration), but those of you who know me (the four of you who read this blog...) know i'm an open book and know how much it helps me to get my feelings out. so--read away. but be warned-- this is raw, emotional and a little crude. that's just me.

you say you know me. you say you care about me. you called me a slut in the name of friendship and you practically begged me to 'find happiness in my life.' you shot your words off too soon and with no information, other than the little bits i've let you in on these last few months. here's a little light for you.

i carried myself through an abusive relationship that lasted far longer than it should have. in that respect, i know what it's like to be weak. i know what it's like to be so weak that i went back to the man who called me a whore, i went back to the man who pushed me down in the snow in the middle of the street, i went back to the man who called me a bitch, who called me worthless. and i know what it's like to be so weak that i actually believed it all.

i also know what it's like to be strong. i know what kind of inner strength it takes to stop sobbing, pick myself up off the bathroom floor and force myself to believe that something better lay ahead of me. i know what kind of strength it takes to teach myself all over again that i am not a whore, i am not a bitch, and i am not worthless. i know the amount of strength it takes to push those words--words that have been so ingrained in the mind-- out and start with a clean slate.

i also know that it takes not only strength to do all of this, but also faith-- faith in better days, faith in myself, faith in my power to control my destiny, and faith that god really does have a hand in it all, and is walking with me every step of the way. your small words do not change what i know.

i struggle with it every day. i struggle with my happiness every day, but my god, am i grateful for this struggle. am i grateful to know both how cruel and how beautiful this world can be. because of that, i know happiness when i feel it. and i'm not happy every day, and the struggles will always be there-- but that's ME. and i know me.

you do not know me. you will never have the privilege of knowing me. nor do you, or will you ever, have the right to tell me how to live my life. just because i let you in my bed for two months does not mean you're an expert on me. and it most certainly does not make me a slut.

now, you have the right to believe whatever you want to believe about me, and that's fine-- just know that from now on, your small words will be met with an iron shield, thrown right back at you.

i've struggled for two years with why god would allow me to go through what i went through in my last relationship, why i would be allowed to suffer for so long. now i know why. it was so i would never again let another man attack me with his awful words. i've been given the grace to stop this before it gets any worse, and for that i am so very thankful. i am indifferent to whatever it is you've said or will say to me in the future, and that brings me more peace than i've felt in two years.

it's a peace i truly hope you're able to someday feel.

we're all in this together.

(i think ben lee says it best, so i'll just let him write this one.)

woke up this morning
i suddenly realized
were all in this together
i started smiling
cause you were smiling
and were all in this together
im made of atoms
youre made of atoms
and were all in this together
and long division
just doesnt matter
cause were all in this together

i saw you walking
in the city
were all in this together
the city's changing
cause we are changing
and were all in this together
every twelve seconds
someone remembers
that were all in this together
in the kitchen
of your rent-control apartment
were all in this together

i know you think
about jumping ship before it sinks
but were all in this together
ask a scientist
its quantum physics
were all in this together
and on the subway
we feel like strangers
but were all in this together
yeah i love you and you love her
and she loves him
but were all in this together

you know baby
theres never been protection
in all the history of human connection
cmon darling
its alright to show me
you dont ever need to be lonely
once you start to open your heart

i saw you crying
i started crying
cause were all in this together

and then religion
its a big decision
but were all in this together

were all in this together

scaling the wall.

how do you keep your past from sneaking into your present?

he and i were done so long ago, and yet he's still right in front of me, a wall i can't seem to scale.

i don't think of him every day anymore. when i do think of him, it's either to smile at a rare sweet memory, or to remind myself of how far i've come since i put him in the past.

but when the new man in my life is sitting beside me, so is he. when the new man is telling me how much he likes me, i want to believe it, but he is telling me i don't deserve it, and the new man will only hurt me in the end. he's an ever-present presence, a wall preventing me from letting myself fall.

i want to fall. i want to put the past where it belongs and be in my present. but how to get rid of the ghost?

i only wish it could be so easy as to "just let go." because that's the thing about just letting go– it takes an awful lot of work.

yes we did.

first on my task list this morning? sending out a press release for my organization in which i wrote the words "President-elect Barack Obama."

of all the words i've written, these are the sweetest of them all.

happy election day– update.

a long line and a little over an hour later, and my vote was officially cast.

i've voted in every single election since turning 18, and i've never been more proud to stand in line and let my voice be heard than in this one.

perhaps it's because my world view is a little broader, perhaps it's because with age i've become a little wiser. perhaps it's because this time i believe my vote will truly change the world.

today, i cast my vote for all the women that fought so hard for so long for the right to vote in this country.

i cast my vote for all the women (and men) around the world that are still struggling for this very right.

i cast my vote for the troops that are fighting so hard to guarantee this freedom, and all freedoms, so their fighting is not in vain.

i cast my vote because i am so grateful to these ancestors, to my peers, for giving me the right.

happy election day.

no matter what your beliefs, no matter what "side of the aisle" you're on, no matter what gets you to the polls, just get there. and vote.

stopped.

do you ever have those moments that, when thinking back on them, stop you in your tracks?

last night, after a particularly meaningful, deep conversation, we were saying our goodbyes. he put his hand on my cheek, looked at me, and leaned in to kiss me goodnight.

today, just the thought of that moment is melting away the 13-page policy brief i have to read and design a press campaign for, it's melting away the argument with a friend, the desire to be outside on this beautiful fall day, the anxiety of starting a new job..... i'm stopped in my tracks.

cheeseball that i am.