the next chapter.

over the course of a long weekend, i feel as though my life has been flipped.

(it has.)

i am ridiculously, insanely, crazy happy with someone who seems to be just as ridiculously, insanely crazy happy with me.

it's not without complications and neither of us have absolutely any idea where this is going. somewhere for sure, but as for right now- we're just enjoying this ride.

so while this seems to be the perfect time to write about falling in love with him, i'm going to take a break from the blog and focus on the ride.

(besides, the four of you who read this will know all about it anyway.)

looking back, everything that i've written about in this blog for almost two years feels like it's been leading up to this moment.

time to look ahead.

it is what it is...

he's your typical "good-on-paper" guy.

we dated earlier this year. for one reason and another (and another...), it did not work out. and now we're friends.

we see each other fairly often. we engaged in some flirtatious behavior* at a mutual friend's birthday party last month. (*albeit after a few cheap beers.) we talk occasionally and we've both agreed to leave the door open on "us." we both agree that while right now might not be the right time, perhaps a right time will come someday.

my mom adores him. my sister wonders why we aren't together. and i know why we aren't.

but yesterday- he did a very nice favor for me, even though it was a weird request on my part. went completely out of his way to do it and then stopped and chatted for awhile at my place after.

and when he left- i smiled. i really enjoy his company and his friendship. and i'm really happy i'm letting myself let this friendship grow. no pressure, no deadlines, no manic thoughts of babies or weddings... it just is what it is.

and so i'll just continue what i'm doing. dating the guy i'm dating (more on that later), attending mr. good-on-paper's thanksgiving party this coming weekend and enjoying life... without manic thoughts of babies or weddings.

it's a nice way to live.

happy (belated) halloween!

i'm an epic fail when it comes to updating this thing lately and i likely will continue to be as long as my work, love and general life keeps me as busy as i have been lately. (more on that later...)


















with love,
the vampire and peg bundy

(i really was having a good time, i was just trying to be surly and mean, which clearly came off as intensely annoyed.)

a letter to my 18-year-old self.

after reading a couple of these by other people, i was inspired to write my own. i encourage you to do it for yourself!

slow down. enjoy being young, enjoy having the ability to schedule your day around soap operas instead of business meetings. quit hating the dorms and wishing for graduation day to come; it will come soon enough. too soon.

you think you're too fat and i know you cried when you ripped your prom dress after trying it on, but trust me. you're a skinny bitch. seriously- have another cheeseburger and don't worry so much about getting curves- you're already late to the game in getting them. embrace it honey- they're only going to grow!

your gut reaction to his proposal was the right one (in fact, your gut reaction to everything is almost always the right one, so trust it). and although it may have taken you longer to realize it than i wish it would have, you'll get there. you'll realize that as wonderful of a guy as he is, he's not YOUR wonderful guy. and that while letting him go might hurt both of you for awhile, in the end, it'll make you both happier than you ever could have been together.

and then you'll get your heart broken and then you'll get it broken again. and there will be moments when you find yourself unable to get off the bathroom floor, questioning your existence in this world, because of one man or another. but you will pick yourself up. eventually, you will learn how to move on. you might not be as innocent as you once were, but you'll also have gained something you didn't have before- perspective.

and the perspective is that if you don't love yourself first, no man ever will. and even if he does, it won't be worth it. you shouldn't look outside for something that is already within you. and only when you realize this is when you'll be truly happy. you'll work damn hard every day of your life achieving this, but you will be happy. it will take work, but it will be so, so worth it in the end.

(just remember that happiness doesn't always come easily. you will stumble again, you will have to learn how to pick yourself up again. but it is in those times you gain the most strength, so cherish those bad times just as much as you cherish the good ones.)

shit will happen. people will die and it will be horrible. and when that happens, be there. be there for the people that you love. because one day, you will need them too. (and we really are all in this together.)

accidents will happen, as will fights with friends. but that cheesy cliche is true- this too shall pass.and the ones that are meant to be in your life will be.

mostly, just know that even if it doesn't seem like it at the time, everything will be all right.

oh, and don't ever take shit from anyone.

with love,
27-year-old you

i think it's fall....

pumpkin patch in the middle of WI, picking up some delicious fall goodies...

super creepy pumpkin face...

packers vs. vikings!

this is how we react to a vikings touchdown.

fives...

i'm currently having a lack of “inspiration,” so i'm stealing some from my best friend….here are some FIVES. just for fun.

five yummy things:
1. caprese salad with toasted bread
2. crab cakes and couscous
3. samoa (girl scout cookie) ice cream
4. tofu massamun curry (especially from here)
5. cabernet sauvignon

five songs I know by heart:
1. “lucy in the sky with diamonds” the beatles
2. anything by britney spears
3. “samson” regina spektor
4. “99 problems” jay-z
5. “everything’ll be alright,” joshua radin

five places I would like to escape to:
1. a beach somewhere (anywhere) in spain
2. west village, new york city
3. a kayak in the middle of lake of the isles
4. that place in aruba where i went snorkeling…= heaven
5. haight and ashbury, san francisco

five things I would never wear:
1. wranglers (sorry dad)
2. a bluetooth headset
3. an ed hardy shirt
4. a short skirt with a low-cut top
5. sneakers and a suit

five favorite TV shows:
1. the office
2. grey’s anatomy
3. keeping up with the kardashians
4. chelsea lately
5. larry king live

five things I enjoy doing:
1. music, red wine and cooking
2. knitting (while watching trashy TV)
3. reading
4. walking through my neighborhood
5. spending time with friends and family…especially at happy hour

five favorite toys:
1. blackberry (ugh, i hate that i'm so addicted)
2. macbook
3. nintendo 64 (only for mariokart)
4. ipod
5. swiffer wetjet (this makes me old)

the match diaries- entry #4.

this is it, kids. i'm shutting the book on online dating... at least for now.

date with match guy #2 finally happened on tuesday night- happy hour margaritas at the tex/mex bar in my neighborhood. i don't think i've ever had a less enjoyable time with a margarita in hand.

not that he was necessarily BAD... he was cute. nice. beautiful smile, which is my favorite thing about a man.

but he talked about himself the. entire. time. i gather it was more from nervousness than arrogance, but he did not ask one question to compliment the 47 that i asked him. forty long minutes into our date, i decided to stop interjecting about myself (i.e. he talked about his brothers, i naturally told him i had a sister) to see if that would make him realize what he was doing and ask a question or two. not so. when he was done talking and i was done commenting on what he was talking about- silence.

so. when my margarita was finally (finally) done and the bartender asked if we wanted another, i politely but quickly declined. match guy paid the tab, walked me to my car and asked me out for another date this weekend. i told him i was busy (the truth), dodged what i gathered to be an attempt at a kiss and slid into my car.

i'm still trying to decide if i want to give him one more shot (only because his demeanor did not appear to be arrogant in the least...and i do really dig a beautiful smile), but i'm weighing the possibility of it turning into something great versus making myself sit through another bad date.

and so i say goodbye to match and its futile attempts at setting me up!

and just like that...

i'm home.

the move went well, thanks to all the big strong men i had helping me. this is (hopefully) the last move until i 1. buy a house, or 2. move in with a boy. (which is more likely is anyone's guess.) i am loving my new home and the fact that the move is behind me.

and what's ahead? workworkwork. a couple of potential dates. a 5K and a gala. and lots of time spent in my new cozy apartment.

the match diaries- entry #3.

in three weeks, we launch a huge virtual client conference at work. which means crazy hours and lots and lots of work. in a little over one week, i am packing up and moving myself and leo to a new apartment. and through all of this, i am supposed to find some time every night to sit down with match and go through the emails and the "winks" i've received and try to find a suitable suitor.

needless to say, i've had to force myself to do so... and it most certainly hasn't happened every night.

so.cal guy mentioned in the previous match post fell to the wayside. my guesses as to why? his lack of interest and my lack of caring.

i've been emailing with a nice uptown guy these last couple of weeks and just hit the "send" button on an email requesting a happy hour date this saturday night.

other than that... i've got nothing. oh, except the fact that two real-life guy friends have found me on the site. one wished me luck and the other told me i "shouldn't be on here" and that i was "far too nice and pretty to not have a guy."

i'm not quite sure how to respond to that. except that yes, i AM far too nice and pretty, which is why i haven't settled for the ugly d*ckheads (okay, none of them were ugly) i've dated thus far. and what's a nice, pretty girl to do except turn to technology for help?

as my mom tells me, i really to need to "get over myself." :)

happy dating/working/moving!

the match diaries- entry #2.

the first match guy threw out his number a week ago.

a marketer from southern california transplanted to minneapolis, he captured my attention with his witty email rapport. i wasn’t sure how it would translate from email to the phone or in person, but i decided it was worth the risk, so i threw my number right back at him.

we talked on saturday as i was decorating for the birthday bash. we texted multiple times on saturday night (hey, that’s what happens when you give the birthday girl a liquid concoction labeled “curiouser and curiouser...”) and on sunday morning, he asked if i’d like to do brunch. i paid my $60 dues to match for a reason- what the hell, right? we decided to meet at noon at a favorite brunch spot in uptown.

he was just as witty, sweet and smart in person as i originally found him to be online- and he had cute dimples to top it off. i was running through random online dating horror stories in my mind as i sat across from him... but then he asked if i wanted to taste his tomato basil soup, smiled his cute smile and held out his spoon for me.

a good sign, right? who knows. i like him. (i think) he likes me. despite my crazy over-analytical mind, communication since sunday brunch has been...simple. sweet. funny.

a good first match, if i do say so myself.

being alice.

thanks to all who made my 27th a very memorable one, indeed!

27 life lessons at 27.

since i will be celebrating another birthday in a few days, i thought i’d compile a list of my life lessons thus far, inspired by an email forward i received. enjoy the cheesiness!

1. i’ve learned to pray. meditate. be with my thoughts and be with god. it’s allowed me time to slow down, breathe and re-connect with the bigger picture.
2. i let myself sleep in every so often—it’s just a must.
3. i’ve worked really hard to quit wishing for what i don’t have—i spend too much time missing all the wonderful things i do.
4. having a good cry on the bathroom floor when i need to is better than therapy. (and then i pick myself up and move the hell on.)
5. it’s really not as bad as i think it is. and when i think i've got it bad, i remind myself there’s always someone out there who’s got it worse.
6. those 10 extra pounds i think i need to lose don’t really make a difference to anyone else in my life (i think), so why do i let them make such a difference to me? in the end, it’s all crap anyway.
7. i've found causes i believe in and support… whether it’s through time or money, i’ve found it to be an incredibly important piece of my life, a way to gain perspective and see the bigger picture.
8. mothers are always going to worry and that’s just the way it is.
9. when i ask for advice, i truly want it, but i always try and remember that in the end, the only person walking my path is me.
10. i try to keep this in mind when giving advice as well.
11. cheesy as it may be (and it is), one of the greatest feelings i have is that i own my sexuality and feel like a woman at all times—thank you nonromantic life partner, for instilling that in me so many years ago.
12. the best way to truly appreciate my home and my surroundings is to leave them for awhile.
13. and the best place to get away is most certainly south beach.
14. patience is a virtue and one that i will likely never have.
15. the only two people who will ever truly know what a relationship is like are the two people in it.
16. cats can be a major pain the ass—the hair, the litter, the meowing at 4 in the morning—but having my cat fall asleep purring next to me makes it all worthwhile.
17. when i was a child, all i wanted was to be an adult. now that i'm an adult, there are many days that i want to go back to being a child. i guess my mom WAS right…
18. when it comes to friends—quality, not quantity.
19. the best times in my life are always completely random and unplanned.
20. experience is what i get when i don’t get what i want.
21. i am so grateful i’ve taken the time to know myself before committing to anyone else.
22. my dad is the best man i've ever met—even when he pisses me off, i can’t imagine a better guy out there.
23. this too shall pass. (that one is for you, quiche love burger.)
24. cubicles are known to be dreary little spaces in which to spend the majority of your week—but trust me, all you need is some funky fabric, fake flowers and a bunch of pictures and it will become a place you actually look forward to being at!
25. i like to refer to my tattoos as “the roadmap of my life—“ and they really are. i cherish every one of them and the meaning behind them.
26. i've learned not just the importance, but the absolute necessity of having my wonderful women (from my mother to my sister to my best friends) in my life. no matter which boyfriend-of-the-moment happens to be drifting in or out, they always have and always will be there. priceless.
27. i may be 27, but i'm still going to put on a bright blue tutu skirt and throw myself an alice in wonderland themed birthday party. what the hell—i only live once and i want to throw some sparkle into the world on my ride, damn it!

the match diaries- entry #1.

yes, i bit the bullet, jumped off the cliff, whatever euphemism you want to use. i joined that one dating site.

three days, 58 "winks," 8 emails and 3 real possibilities later, here i am. here i go? i have yet to set a date, but thought i should start this little "diary" as a way to chronicle my "adventures in match dating."

the first three days have been interesting, to say the least. i've had to wade through a lot of profiles (neither "hoping4luv2000" or "uandigoodthing" got a wink back from me), but i have found three men that i am in the process of emailing with. i figure i'll take it slow, get to know them a little bit online before biting the next bullet and meeting in person.

however, before any match dates happen, another date is taking place wednesday night, with someone i've met in real live person. if it turns out to be something, i'll tell more; if not, i'll just let this one fade into oblivion with all the rest.

here's to happy dating...

recap.

the wedding was.... hard. harder than any other one i've been to, for some reason.

but. when, during the prayer before dinner, my sister took my hand, looked at me and smiled, i knew she understood. she didn't have to say a word and i knew she was right there with me.

and. when, after a good cry and a slightly restful night's sleep on saturday, i met my friend D at the pool to vent, talk, laugh and just be our girly selves, i knew that it didn't matter if i had a husband or not-- because i already have a beautiful family of my own. we might be made of up of all those misfits they place at the single table at weddings, but god, we know how to be there for each other!

changing the attitude.

okay, so that last post was a little.... whiny.

after a long talk with my friend D on the way home from restaurant club, i'm feeling much better.

after all, what can i do? i don't want to whine anymore, i don't want to feel sorry for myself or dig myself deeper into a surly little world. what's the point?

so- on saturday, i will put a sexy dress on, strap on some high heels, toast the happy couple and dance my ass off with my fabulous sister.

as carrie bradshaw says,

"don't worry. they have a very lovely life."

what, no guest option?

this weekend, i am attending the wedding of a dear family friend. he and i grew up together; our parents were neighbors and continue to be very close friends. while i don't know his wife-to-be all that well, i have been looking forward to celebrating this wonderful day with him and with our families. that is, until the wedding invitation came in the mail.

look, i know that i'm single, i've never been married, i've never planned a wedding (well, never planned one that came to fruition). i know how much money goes into them and i know it must be hard to cut down and stay on budget.

but. while i am single, i am almost 27 years old. so when i received a wedding invitation addressed to "brooke" and not "brooke and guest," i felt like i had been kicked down.

i know that's not what they intended. i know they probably didn't even think twice about it, because i will be going with my family and i likely wouldn't have brought anyone. but it's the thought that counts. it's the fact that when and if i get married, i will have to accomodate for him and his wife (and his brother and his wife) in my budget, but he gets off because my sister and i are both single.

i'm still looking forward to it and i know i'll have fun. but it will be in the back of my mind. mountain out of a mole hill? maybe. just another "single issue" to have deal with, i guess.

angie becomes a ficek.

i was so happy to be there and to be a part of it all. a truly wonderful day with many beautiful memories made.

a little wedding toast.

to my non-romantic life partner, this is my speech to you, just in case i have a few too many glasses of bubbly at the reception and get too choked up to speak. ;) how to give a wedding toast without sounding too cheesy? well, cheesy is my thing, so bear with me...

we've stood next to each other on many, many days.

there was the first day of sophomore year. i found you in your room, i sat with you and cried with you. a sad moment turned bittersweet in a moment that defined a true friendship for me.

there were the many, many nights we stood next to each other at one party or another, you teaching me your "expert" ways... or just leading me through the taco john's drive-thru on foot at midnight!

there was that "one summer" we spent our days by the pool (margaritas usually in hand) and our nights prowling minneapolis, making it known we were full-swing into "mating season."

there were breakups, makeups, laughter, tears, love and fury. and through it all, i stood beside you.

and now there is this- your wedding day. and while i cherish with all my heart every other day i've stood beside you, there is nothing i cherish more than this. i am so blessed to call you my friend. i am so happy to be beside you while you promise your life and love to the one who will now stand with you forever.

and through it all, i will be there too. and i will love you forever.

happy wedding day, my beautiful angie.

a better day, brought to you by robert pattinson.

the sweet ain't as sweet...

lesson of the day: "the sweet ain't as sweet without the bitter, baby."

recently, i had a conversation with a co-worker as we were driving in between meetings. one of her favorite topics of conversation is her two little girls and i love to hear her talk about them- her face lights up and the energy and love with which she speaks of them is lovely to be around.

this conversation revolved around the girls' bedtime a few nights before. as she finished reading a story to her three-year-old and was ready to tuck her into bed, her little girl said, "mama, i don't want you to go yet, it makes me sad." and she told her little girl, "it's okay to be sad."

it's okay to be sad.

she told me that's an important life lesson she wants to pass on to her daughters. so many of us try and skip over the sadness by over-indulging ourselves to forget about the pain-- too much eating, too much drinking, too much of something so we can forget about the sadness. but if we let ourselves feel the sadness-- if we treat it less as a disease and more as a necessary emotion from time to time, maybe it won't be so awful.

so.

last night, i was sad. and i cried. and i let myself feel it. today- i am sad. and i will let myself feel it.

and i am absolutely confident that better days are ahead, that this will pass and it will all be okay.
lesson of the day.

do you ever have one of those moments?

where you're runningrunningrunning through the day and all of a sudden you just stop.

and think.

is this really me?

when i was little, i'd always watch the business men and women walking through downtown, hoping that someday i would be one of them. i had no idea what it would consist of, what my life would have to be like in order to be one of them, but i just knew i wanted it.

today, crossing 6th st. downtown in my plaid skirt and black heels, sun on my face, rushing to get to a meeting, i realized it.

i've become what i wanted to become.

it doesn't really feel as how i imagined it would.

it's so much better.

monday morning satori.

i seem to be incredibly fond of pulling other people's words for my own blog these days. which is fine, as i seem to be at a loss for "stories" to share.

this quote is from he's just not that into you, which i watched for the gazillionth time last night. it's the last line in the movie and it never fails to get me just a little teary-eyed.

enjoy!

"girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up.

if a guy punches you he likes you. never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending.

every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. but sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. how to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. and maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe...

it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope."

desiderata.

(by Max Ehrmann)

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,

even to the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;

they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals,

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love,

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

a good reminder.

my best friend posted this a few months back and not-so coincidentally, i came across it again today, on just the day i needed such a reminder. thanks carrie, for posting these lovely words! a good reminder for us all.

what is self-consciousness? unquestionably, self-consciousness is the result of too much self-thought. the self-conscious are always conscious of themselves, wondering whether they are impressing people, hoping that they are not making blunders, uncomfortable, unhappy, ill at ease! ...forget about yourself! and there is only one sure way to forget about yourself. think more of others! take a keener and more sincere interest in people. send your thoughts abroad, far beyond the selfish little boundaries of your personal world...it is when we forget ourselves that we do the really worth-while and interesting things. it is when we forget ourselves that we find beauty everywhere around us, that we see charm in the most commonplace people, that we feel happy and at ease in the company of our fellow beings. forget about yourself!

happy second birthday, prince leo!

melodramatic musings, part II.*

enter friday night.

it was rainy, i was exhausted and i was running around in heels all day. finally getting everything i needed for the bachelorette party in my car, i was on my way home.

i wanted so badly to call someone to come help me with the three grocery bags and two incredibly heavy boxes from the liquor store. (yeah, it was definitely the first time i've needed to drive up to the liquor store and have the owner carry the boxes to my car.)

my roommate was gone. and there was no boyfriend on speed dial.

i'm an incredibly independent person (who obviously has a flair for the dramatic), but i found myself breaking down in tears in my car. and one thought kept running through my head. (keep in mind this was after a very long day.)

"i'm sick of doing this alone."

sick of dating only to have it not work out. sick of attending weddings alone (or worse yet, getting a wedding invite at 26 years of age with no guest option... why bother, it's not like i'm in a serious relationship, right?), sick of not having anyone to call and come help me with the heavy boxes.

so i carried them through the rain and into my apartment alone. (and in heels.) and then i indulged myself with tears and ben harper... until my roommate came home and forced happier music upon me. (thank goodness for girlfriends.)

sad music or not, it doesn't change that thought in my mind. i've been doing this alone for what feels like a very long time. i just want someone to adore me, someone to adore. someone to force my guard down, take care of me a little bit and maybe try and soften this incredibly hard edge i seemed to have acquired over the years.

*this is all something a fabulously single, independent DIY feminist should never say, but i don't really give a f*ck. everyone gets lonely from time to time and there is no shame in it, at least not for me.

what's going on?

life, as it usually does in summer, has taken a busy turn for me.

there is, of course, the softball team i've been guilted into (but secretly enjoy being a part of) for the last four years. i'm still a right field rockstar and i've found that last year's spark is still as cute as ever. (but after dating him, i think i'll keep him as eye candy.)

i've recently joined the events committee of the liz logelin foundation, which i'm very excited to be a part of. look for more information coming soon...

work is crazy and fun as ever. (who knew i'd ever use the word "fun" to describe working at a bank??) i'm throwing a bridal shower and bachelorette party for a dear friend this weekend and likely hosting impromptu gay pride parties with my roommate the next, i can't get enough of the sun and i've become addicted to the twilight series, which means the only man in my life right now (besides leo) is robert pattinson. yes, it's true. hello, my name is brooke and i'm a robert pattinson addict.

life is good.

the crazies.

i live downtown minneapolis, work downtown st. paul, and take the bus in between. therefore, i see a lot of crazy sh*t.

highlights from the past month:
* the clown on stilts playing the accordian walking down the sidewalk in my neighborhood
* the man with a braided rat tail down to his butt walking in the skyway
* the man sitting next to me on the bus with a background picture of a dead clown in a casket on his laptop (which wasn't so much a "highlight" as it was "completely terrifying")
* the (normal-looking) businessman who shared the elevator with me on the way up to the gym.... and stared at me while breathing heavily the entire five floors up
* the old man dressed as a woman who likes to talk to anyone within hearing range about sarah palin like she's a family member (i'm blessed to be able to ride the bus with this one on a frequent basis... thank goodness for ipods)

i love this little city i live in.

the problem with chick flicks.

this weekend was chick flick-fest. the lineup?

he's just not that into you
definitely, maybe
because i said so
in her shoes

which led to a call and a text to a long-time "potential"and a text to an ex. (the text to the ex isn't all that uncommon, since we still sporadically communicate, but any communication sent at 11pm on saturday night is bound to create some suspicion.)

don't get me wrong, i love a good chick flick, but i think next weekend's events will include a little more time in the three-dimensional world.

saying goodbye.

http://www.leadertelegram.com/obituary.asp?id=BK3L3UNNK3o

melodramatic musings.

yet another disappointing breakup under my belt and i'm right where i've been a thousand times before- just me, my cat and a whole lot of thoughts.

i had a conversation with my mother the other day about this most recent breakup. she was disappointed as i'd painted a picture of this one being a "nice guy," which, for her, is the only trait a man need possess to be with me.

and he is a nice guy. there are some things about him (more than this blog lets on) that don't quite work with my personality, but no one would ever deny he's one of the nice guys.

and i've dated nice guys. i've dated not-so-nice guys. i've dated in-between guys and i've even dated four gay guys.

however, just as i told my mother- i'm 26. i don't want to settle for a "nice guy" that isn't it for me if i'm meant to find MY guy at 29. or 32. or 45.

still. optimism ever-present, the process never fails to be a little disheartening.

The Red Flags.

we've been dating for about two months now. it's high time some red flags were thrown in this cyncial girl's face.

he called me tiger the other night. not tiger as in "you sexy siren," but tiger as in, "way to go on that home run, tiger!" my friend phil thought it was "cute...but he clearly doesn't want to have sex with you."

last night, he left me a voicemail. and called me "cracker jack." just when i thought it couldn't get any worse than "tiger."* friend josh said, "that is a weird one, actually. but, again, if a guy called me that i'd think it was really fucking cute. but you're a girl, and girls don't like to be called weird things."

i'm nitpicking. i know. he's got a lot of wonderful qualities to him, but the bigredflag is that he's so very inexperienced, which results in waning chemistry for me. (which is ironic, considering he's a chemist...)

don't get me wrong, i'm not letting him go just yet. and i wouldn't consider letting him go for just a couple of dorky little terms of endearment. these are just precursors to slightly bigger issues of inexperience... which i'll plead the fifth on, thank you very much.

*i called him back and was maybe just a little short with him. (a combination, of tiredness and the cracker jack factor.) five minutes after we hung up, his facebook status read that he is "showing his soon to be married good buddy the pearls of happiness that reside with bachelorhood, not the wife's chains, in SIN CITY where the fun, sun, drinks and ladies never end." a dig at me, perhaps? hmph. have fun in vegas, my friend.

a week in mobile pictures, vol. II

twins game, stellar view, a few beers and a cute guy by my side= a VERY sunday funday.

where i landed myself after a severe sore throat and lots of hits on webmd.com.

mom's 50th birthday dinner at trattoria da vinci. fabulous food and company and lots of great prom-dress watching. (is it just me getting old or are prom dresses getting sluttier and sluttier?)

scary movie night at home. my roommate's mother calls and THIS is the frame she decides to pause the movie on so she can talk. i'm utterly shocked i didn't have nightmares about IT.

sick of sick.

i'm not one to b*tch. (well, at least not in a public format like this.) but after downing three cups of tea and one nalgene full of water, sucking down four cough drops and swalling my fourth acetaminophen tablet all before noon and all while still feeling as though i'm under the nyquil haze of last night...

i've had it.

since last november, i've been sick at least once or twice a month. steady. for a girl who's used to getting knocked down by a 24-hour flu or silly little cold once a year, this has hit me hard. especially yesterday, lying in bed, looking out at the 83 degree weather, wanting so badly to feel like galavanting outside. no such luck.

my doctor told me yesterday i'm fine, the onslaught of sickness is because of all the recent changes in my life. (even when i pressed to have bloodwork done, he sent me home with the "reassurance" that they'll call me if the strep test comes back positive.) my mom thinks it might be mold in my apartment. (she's crazy.) my roommate thinks i'm crazy.

maybe i'm crazy. maybe i should be in a therapist's office instead of a doctor's office. maybe i am just this silly little hypochondriac who has an incredibly low threshold for pain. but the truth is- my throat f*king hurts. my body f*king aches. last night, i woke up shivering and drenched in sweat from the acetaminophen (well, either that or cancer, according to webmd) and today i'm finding it hard to concentrate, even though i should be incredibly focused on the piles of work i have in front of me.

and you know- it's not cancer, it's not life-threatening and i can make it through my day. i'm thankful for that. but all this sickness is enough to bum out this girl on this beautiful friday.

here's to a restful weekend and a full recovery...

weekend recap.

much like old people can feel a good thunderstorm coming on in their knees, i know when summer is here when i run into an old boyfriend. i live in a neighborhood that houses not just one, but two exes. i've seen neither all winter long, but when i ran into ex #1 as i got off the bus on friday afternoon, i realized that hibernation season is over and summer is in fact here. (nice, short, casual conversation... and i still made it to happy hour on time.)

i experienced psycho suzi's patio in 75-degree weather for the first time this season and it was glorious. even the guy inexplicably wrapped up in a snuggie* seemed to be enjoying the warm weather and tropical atmosphere.

watching a twins game 30 rows up in between home plate and first base is nothing like watching it from the nosebleeds. especially when your killer seats are free. twins swept the angels in a three game series and this is as interested as i've been in baseball.... ever.

*inspired by psycho suzi's snuggie patron, my roommate and i decided to have a photo shoot on saturday night with my very own snuggie. lots of silliness ensued and while we both admitted that this is likely reason #578 why we're single, we also couldn't have imagined a more fun place to be on saturday night. (except maybe on a date? nah......)

a few of my favorite things.

**etsy**
when i have a moment to actually waste at work, this is my favorite place to waste it in. like a fabulous, never-ending flea market with everything under the sun (and then some). i've found a beautiful necklace, a gift for a friend, a cat collar for leo and even a bridal veil. (shhhh.......)

**caprese**
fresh basil, tomato and fresh mozzarella tossed with olive oil and black pepper makes for one of the easiest and most delicious meals (especially when paired with a lightly toasted baguette) and my all-time favorite food. with summer quickly approaching and zero desire to turn on the oven for dinner in 85 degree weather, i plan on many, many caprese nights.

**gossip girl**
it's like sugary sweet candy for my soul. totally unbelievable, like a dawson's creek of the new millennium.... if joey potter frequented the martini bar in her neighborhood, wore alexander mcqueen instead of gap and gave dawson a whole lot more than just a kiss by the lake.

**cupcake**
within walking distance's from my sister's st. paul apartment (i fear i'd be 300 pounds if i lived where she did), this little bakery makes the best and most creative cupcakes. (i'm partial to the red velvet.) since i'm a bit of a connoisseur (cupcakes happen to be my obsession), i'm pretty sure i know what i'm talking about... and if i don't, someone please point me in the direction of a better cupcake!

happy weekend!

a week in mobile pictures (volume one?)

my crazy little baby leo... so cute even when he's bad. (which is most of the time.)

minnesota twins home opener week vs. seattle mariners. even though i talked to my girlfriends throughout most of the game, there is still something about baseball in the spring.

my friday afternoon walk around lake of the isles (my favorite mpls lake)... it was beautiful, it was warm, it is spring. and it reminds me that summer is just around the corner.

my little peanut (and main squeeze) grayson... washing his hands after a few oreo cookies and lot of dancing with his aunties brooke and "mimmi...." only brooke and mimmi will teach him the moves from "dirty dancing." lucky boy.

from the mind of erica jong...

i've recently begun reading fear of flying, mostly out of obligation, as it's one of The Classics, but also because it's been hailed as a book that "defines feminity and sexuality." two of my favorite things, naturally.

thus far, i've found it to be slightly pretentious and hard to follow, but 173 pages or so in, i found a couple passages that spoke to me.

"i knew that that the women who got the most out of life (and out of men) were the ones who demanded most, that if you acted as if you were valuable and desirable, men found you valuable and desirable, that if you refused to be a doormat, nobody could treat on you."

lesson learned: i AM valuable and desirable, and i've NEVER treated myself as such. no matter what a man thinks, that's what i think and even on my worst day, that's what i'll keep telling myself. because i never want to be a doormat-- for anyone-- again.

"all women think they're ugly, even pretty women. a man who understood this could f**k more women than don giovanni. they all find fault with their figures. they all think their asses are too big, their breasts too small, their thighs too fat, their ankles too thick. "

lesson learned: stop obsessing. immediately. what's the point?

the statement is much more profound than that response deserves and i could most certainly dive deeper, but i'm late for a conference call.

time to put on my "career woman" hat....

(last) weekend recap.

1. britney was great, even though she lip-synched the entire concert. just as well, homegirl can dance, and i was satisfied exchanging actual live music for fireworks, confetti, circus performers and really slutty outfits. (speaking of, i think friday night was the last time my 26-year-old ass will ever wear a black sequined mini-dress in public. RIP, mini-dress, RIP.)

2. my hatred for every bar on first and hennepin avenue (between 3rd and...oh...wherever the saloon is) only became stronger as i sat in one of the meat market bars post-britney and was forced to watch aging frat boys in collared polos pick up overly excited britney fans in sequined mini-dresses. (ummmm....)

3. vodka + gay men + drunk cousin + stanky legg= greatest remedy for sadness ever.

4. my love for 'object of my affection' (jennifer aniston + my BFF paul rudd) is second only to my great desire to have a baby with a gay man. (if you don't understand what i'm talking about, you don't understand the brilliance of 'object of my affection.')

5. sunday happens to be one of my least favorite days (next to monday- thursday), but watching my dad intensely photographing flowers at the conservatory with his jacket tied around his waist as my mom chatters on about knitting dishcloths and bunnies makes it all a little bit better.

thanks a lot, mint.com

recently, i signed up for a free online personal budgeting tool. (although why i thought this was a good idea is beyond me)

my relationship with mint.com has been rocky from the start. he has a tendency to be slightly dramatic (telling me i'm "low on funds" in my checking when it's still hundreds of dollars deep is a little melodramatic, don't you think?) and it seems as though he likes to pick the days i'd like to forget my accounts exist at all (read: every day) to give me a smiley, mint-y update on just how much i suck at managing money.

however, friday morning was the last straw. mint emailed to tell me i'd gone over on my "restaurant budget" for the month by $37.

A. i don't remember setting a restaurant budget with him

B. i don't know how he can tell i've gone over on said budget unless he's got a P.I. on my tail

C. i HAVE been eating a lot of jimmy john's lately...

D. but that's none of his business

so. mint and i are officially over. (and i'm able to eat my #6 with onions in peace once again.)

here we go again....

he's so unexpected.

a couple of weeks ago, i found us actually flirting with each other as we made dinner for our friends. it was oscar night; my roommate and i decided on a mexican theme for the occasion. so while bob marley played in the background and she blended our margaritas, he and i stood side-by-side over the stove, smiling and laughing with one another.

he secured his place next to me during dinner and throughout the oscar broadcast. a couple of times, i felt his hand on the small of my back. we shared a few private smiles and when it was all over, i hugged him at the door and thanked him for a great evening.

what's so unexpected about this all is that i'm actually beginning to have feelings for him. for HIM, the quiet friend of my ex-whatever.

even though he's always along on outings with our mutual friends, i've never taken much notice of him.... until a friend's valentine's day party last month. my ex-whatever was there along with him... naturally, my ex-whatever had me in tears by the end of the night. he pulled me into a room to comfort me, to tell me i deserve so much better, to assure me that i'm beautiful and i need to move on from his friend, because he's not worth it... and i am.

i'm moving on, all right. i just didn't expect the possibility of moving on with HIM.

in my head.

i've been in my head a lot lately. mostly fighting. a lot of frustrating, exasperating arguments have taken place over the last few months. i'm starting to feel a little mental. [okay, a lot mental.]

i've been so confused as to why this is. why, for when the first time in my life, i feel as though everything is going right, am i this frustrated? i've got the wonderful friendships, the supportive family, the great career, the cute little apartment in the city and most of all, the immense lack of negativity in my life. there are no storms; life is calm.

but that's the thing.

the storms have all passed and i no longer have to focus on surviving them; now, i've got to focus on all the debris that's been left behind and force myself to start picking up the pieces.

and that is proving to be harder than the storms themselves. because now the questions start. now that i don't have anything else to focus on, it's just me. it's what i want and need, no one else. and what do i want, what do i need, who am i, really, without any storms?

standing under a clear sky, amidst all the debris, trying to find those answers is scary as hell.

adjusting my vision.

i love inspiring words/mantras/phrases, so when i came across my particularly inspiring daily horoscope earlier this week, i immediately wrote it down in my planner, in a place where i could see it every day.

i think these words are not only inspiring for me (the ever-so-dramatic leo), but for every other zodiac sign as well.

enjoy!

amplifying the volume of romance in your life can be easy if you admit that romance doesn't just relate to a love relationship. romance exists wherever there is beauty, wherever there is music, wherever there are two people laughing over a private joke. you need to adjust your vision to include a wider view of what is romantic. then, you will start to see romance a lot more often. cherish the way you relate to the world. smell the roses. you're rushing around too much to notice the magic.

the game.

if he doesn't want to see me, then why even ask to see me? am i just some fun girl to drunk text on saturday night? is he too shy to actually follow through on plans?
 
is he just not that into me??
 
i've asked all of these questions before. with the same man nonetheless. (i had a crush on michael four years ago; we lost touch up until a few months ago. since then he's been texting and emailing regularly, and has even made a couple attempts at plans with me-- none of which he's ever followed through on.)
 
but there's a difference between my 22-year-old self asking these questions and my 26-year-old self asking them. before, i would exhaust myself trying to come up with the answers. now, i don't care what the answers are.
 
i. don't. care.
 
the game has been fun. it really has. all of the questions, the unknowns, the "i-wonder-when-he'll-call"s, the great sex followed by three weeks of no contact. wondering which card you're going to be dealt next, hoping to land the right cards and win the game. i've loved it; i've thrived off the drama of it all.
 
but i'm done with it. i want to use my get-out-of-jail-free card, i want to jump off the board, i want to stop the drama and i want to be REAL.
 
the game stops now.