ten kinds of crazy.

this is what happens when you let yourself get completely carried away thinking about an outfit for date #2 with your big crush (aka softball spark).

with "nothing" in your closet, and no time to round up the girls for a shopping trip, you reluctantly go by yourself, take a picture of what you bought, email it around, and hope for nods of approval.

(yes, i am fully aware of my neuroses, i accept and embrace them.)

i wonder if he's doing the same thing?

sentiments from a balcony in northeast.

saturday night– punch pizza and fireworks with 12 of the city's most eligible gay bachelors. (water, water everywhere....) a few of them my close friends, a few i had met once or twice, a couple i had never met.

i looked around at them as we stood on the 11th floor balcony overlooking the city and the awesome display of fireworks being shot off on the bridge below us. i wondered if perhaps i belonged there; if perhaps my grandma was right, that i need to stop hanging out with unavailable (to me) men all the time and start thinking about settling down. after all, i was the only girl on the balcony. and the only heterosexual.

but then phil looked at me, smiled, handed me the bottle of champagne we were passing back and forth (it's class all the way with us) and said something to the effect of how lucky we were, of what a beautiful night it was, of how amazing the fireworks were from the balcony. on my other side, brent held up his bottle of champagne and we all toasted to the sentiment.

i don't know if i could've loved life more at that moment.

happy friday!

love, brooke and leo (the disco diva)

ready to dance the weekend away!

grey skies ahead....

the email finally came at 4:42 PM on tuesday afternoon, as i was talking to my best friend. three little words nearly caused her to lose her hearing due to my giddy screams:

"let's do it."

my heart literally jumped out of my chest. (my heart hasn't done that since the gorgeous nathan n. said "hello" to me in the hallway of anoka high school in 1997.)

we agreed to meet at my place at 8 PM on wednesday night and walk over to the park to catch a sunset screening of purple rain, one of his favorite movies and one i hadn't yet seen.

at 8 on the dot last night, he showed up. incredibly nervous beforehand, this pollyanna's nerves melted away as soon as he walked in the door– i actually felt comfortable.

we walked to the two blocks to the park, talking the whole way. we spread out the blanket, and continued our conversation; as the sun set and the movie began, our words turned to whispers, but they never really stopped.

so ten sentences have now turned into too many to count, and my head is a mess of happy jumbled thoughts today.

i have no idea what's next, but i'm proud to admit i jumped completely out of my comfort zone and did the unthinkable– i boldly asked him out. (well, as bold as an email can be.) my black-and-white world as i knew it with him is quickly becoming a blurry grey... and i love it.

the spark update.

as previously mentioned, i am crushing impossibly hard on the left fielder on my softball team.

he's good-looking in that charming, old-fashioned way– curly strawberry blond hair, big blue eyes, freckled skin. he has this quiet, mysterious personality that intrigues me to no end. our mutual friend waxes on about what a great guy he is. top that off with the discovery of an "i heart my cat" bumper sticker on his car last week, and it's official. i'm in love.

not that he has any indication whatsoever of this. because when i'm around him, my confidence mysteriously disappears and i turn into a bumbling idiot. the four sentences we'd exchanged as of a month ago have turned into about ten, and they've gotten me nowhere.

finally, though, this morning– an opportunity.

our mutual friend asked me to join her for music & movies in the park in my neighborhood on wednesday night. i casually asked her if i perhaps should invite my spark. she responded enthusiastically and told me that yes, i should email him and invite him along.

one email sent, one anxious girl spending the day biting her nails and waiting for a response......

low-key weekend= all kinds of awesome

friday night was homemade stir-fry and ps i love you, a sappy love story about a woman who loses her husband and spends the rest of the movie trying to find herself. i'm almost ashamed to say i bawled my way through it, except sometimes a good cry through a cheesy movie can feel wonderful.

saturday was the much-anticipated "girls day" on the boat in eagle lake. despite a quick rainstorm (from which we took shelter in a house that could've been on MTV's "cribs...." complete with theater room and art gallery), we lazily floated through our day, finally docking around 9pm. tanned and tired, i headed home for another early bedtime.

sunday i finally experienced the mpls institution that is hidden beach. with bongos as background music and the slight scent of pot filling the air, matt and i caught up on life under the hot sun amongst the dreadlocked and tattooed hippies. he even got me to take a dip in the infamous mud pit, for about five seconds. (which equaled a 45-minute shower upon my return home.)

a few groceries and a couple more chapters of obama's life later, i tucked myself in. another great weekend giving way to the start of the workweek. which will surely be spent planning next weekend.

oh, how i love summer.

a reflection on some level.....

the other day, i was asked by a newly single friend, "do you think you'd be okay if it was just you for the rest of your life, if you never got married?" my answer only slightly surprised me– yes. i would be okay. not only that, i'd be happy.

i used to be the single girl who would look at my happily coupled friends and family with envious eyes, full of jealousy. i couldn't attend a wedding without feeling completely anxious that it would never be me; that my dad would never get a chance to walk me down the aisle. i would constantly wonder, "when is it MY turn?"

but somehow, over the past year or so, that question has quietly slipped out of my mind. the sight of a friend's new engagement ring no longer provokes anxiety that i might never have a diamond of my own; instead, i'm able to completely share in her happiness. i can go to weddings, smile at the happy bride and groom exchanging vows, dance the night away with my sister or a girlfriend, and not once feel the jealousy that used to consume me at these types of occasions.

call it a transition, a growth period, or just simply a matter of maturing– it feels good to feel content.

on a related note, last weekend, i had the chance to sit down with an ex-boyfriend for a candid conversation about love and relationships– our relationship, and those we've had with others. it was an interesting conversation, to say the least, and i actually took a lot away from it. the most important thing, however, was the absolute fact, now solidified in my mind AND my heart, that he and i are just not meant to be. a wonderful memory, a great love, someone who will always have a permanent presence in my heart– but one that was always meant to walk away from me.

and if there is someone out there who is meant to walk in and stay forever– i trust that he'll appear eventually.

scenes from a weekend outside the city.

chetek (WI) brewfest 2008

july restaurant club

last night, restaurant club met at il vesco vino, a quaint little italian place settled in a 19th century victorian mansion in st. paul.

it was a gorgeous night out, so the girls and i situated ourselves at a table on il vesco's equally gorgeous patio, complete with waterfall, bar and woodfire oven, which gave off the slightest, sweetest bonfire scent. as the italians say, i was already enamored with the place before i even got my water– the patio alone gave me the tiniest urge to move to st. paul so i could be close enough to frequent the place. (no worries, it was tiny and fleeting. i'm a mpls girl through and through.)

lisa and i split a carafe of a merlot/cabernet blend wine– just sweet enough her, just dry enough for me. disappointed to find they were out of the gnocchi i was so excited to try, i settled for the shrimp and mascarpone tortellini in a browned sage butter sauce. this dish did not disappoint– it was absolutely delicious, and just big enough to leave me feeling full, but not too full.

opting against dessert, the girls and i instead sipped our wine and chatted as the sun set. a beautiful summer night, a beautiful patio, and a delicious restaurant i highly recommend– and, despite its being in the "other city," i will surely be back again.

barbie goes to work.

after spending the first two days of the week rotating between the doctor, my couch, and the kitchen for more juice (and antibiotics), i am proud to say i've relinquished my status as an invalid and have once again joined rank with the three-dimensional world. and i must say– it feels good.

my first day back at work this week, my "hump day," i was given a raise and loads of praise by my boss. not a bad way to ease back into the work week, if i do say so myself. later that afternoon, i got a frantic call from one of the producers of a local radio show, desperately needing a guest. being the savvy PR girl that i am, i arranged for a colleague of mine to be interviewed, and i decided to go along, play publicist, and take some pictures.

walking home from downtown after the interview in my beige pencil skirt, big brown belt, lacy shirt and heels, i told a friend i was chatting with on the phone that i felt so "barbie goes to work." amongst all the career men and women, i felt like such a career woman myself. and then it hit me.

i AM a career woman! (for a lack of a better word– is it just me or does "career woman" sound so 1958?)

sure, i don't have my "dream job," i might not have the corner office with the view or oodles of responsibility, but i'm right where i should be. i'm getting those much sought-after resume experiences, and i'm excelling at them. i don't mind getting up for work in the morning, and after spending two days chained to the couch with no human contact (other than an incredibly eccentric doctor), i realized that i quite enjoy getting up and going into the office.

if i'm not already in my element, i'm well on my way to getting there.

happy first birthday, prince leo!

life is a highway....

as i walked home from my fun-filled weekend with the boys and my girl, happily exhausted and ready to fall into my couch for an evening of trashy TV, i decided to call benjamin. just to see what he was doing.

"oh, i'm just getting a bath ready for the baby."

(i should probably mention at this point that benjamin is, in fact, a single dad to a 14-month-old child.)

i stopped dead in my mini-dress and cowboy boots. here i was, 7pm on sunday evening, walking home from a day with friends, after having spent a blurry weekend filled with drinks, dancing, conversation and pizza, not a care in the world– and he was at home with his child.

i knew from the start that he had a child. i was willing to go with it, because i thought to myself– i'm in my twenties. at some point i have to settle down. perhaps this is my time.

but it's not.

i'm a single city girl whose only major responsibility is a silly little cat. and while it might not be enough for some, i absolutely love it. i love going out for thai at the drop of a hat, i love movie nights at home by myself, i love random nights of dancing that happen by chance, just because they can.

and he's a suburban boy with A CHILD. feedings and baths and bedtimes and major, major responsibilities. and while it might be absolutely wonderful for some, right now, it's just not for me.

and that's perfectly okay.