melodramatic musings, part II.*

enter friday night.

it was rainy, i was exhausted and i was running around in heels all day. finally getting everything i needed for the bachelorette party in my car, i was on my way home.

i wanted so badly to call someone to come help me with the three grocery bags and two incredibly heavy boxes from the liquor store. (yeah, it was definitely the first time i've needed to drive up to the liquor store and have the owner carry the boxes to my car.)

my roommate was gone. and there was no boyfriend on speed dial.

i'm an incredibly independent person (who obviously has a flair for the dramatic), but i found myself breaking down in tears in my car. and one thought kept running through my head. (keep in mind this was after a very long day.)

"i'm sick of doing this alone."

sick of dating only to have it not work out. sick of attending weddings alone (or worse yet, getting a wedding invite at 26 years of age with no guest option... why bother, it's not like i'm in a serious relationship, right?), sick of not having anyone to call and come help me with the heavy boxes.

so i carried them through the rain and into my apartment alone. (and in heels.) and then i indulged myself with tears and ben harper... until my roommate came home and forced happier music upon me. (thank goodness for girlfriends.)

sad music or not, it doesn't change that thought in my mind. i've been doing this alone for what feels like a very long time. i just want someone to adore me, someone to adore. someone to force my guard down, take care of me a little bit and maybe try and soften this incredibly hard edge i seemed to have acquired over the years.

*this is all something a fabulously single, independent DIY feminist should never say, but i don't really give a f*ck. everyone gets lonely from time to time and there is no shame in it, at least not for me.