thanks a lot, mint.com

recently, i signed up for a free online personal budgeting tool. (although why i thought this was a good idea is beyond me)

my relationship with mint.com has been rocky from the start. he has a tendency to be slightly dramatic (telling me i'm "low on funds" in my checking when it's still hundreds of dollars deep is a little melodramatic, don't you think?) and it seems as though he likes to pick the days i'd like to forget my accounts exist at all (read: every day) to give me a smiley, mint-y update on just how much i suck at managing money.

however, friday morning was the last straw. mint emailed to tell me i'd gone over on my "restaurant budget" for the month by $37.

A. i don't remember setting a restaurant budget with him

B. i don't know how he can tell i've gone over on said budget unless he's got a P.I. on my tail

C. i HAVE been eating a lot of jimmy john's lately...

D. but that's none of his business

so. mint and i are officially over. (and i'm able to eat my #6 with onions in peace once again.)

here we go again....

he's so unexpected.

a couple of weeks ago, i found us actually flirting with each other as we made dinner for our friends. it was oscar night; my roommate and i decided on a mexican theme for the occasion. so while bob marley played in the background and she blended our margaritas, he and i stood side-by-side over the stove, smiling and laughing with one another.

he secured his place next to me during dinner and throughout the oscar broadcast. a couple of times, i felt his hand on the small of my back. we shared a few private smiles and when it was all over, i hugged him at the door and thanked him for a great evening.

what's so unexpected about this all is that i'm actually beginning to have feelings for him. for HIM, the quiet friend of my ex-whatever.

even though he's always along on outings with our mutual friends, i've never taken much notice of him.... until a friend's valentine's day party last month. my ex-whatever was there along with him... naturally, my ex-whatever had me in tears by the end of the night. he pulled me into a room to comfort me, to tell me i deserve so much better, to assure me that i'm beautiful and i need to move on from his friend, because he's not worth it... and i am.

i'm moving on, all right. i just didn't expect the possibility of moving on with HIM.

in my head.

i've been in my head a lot lately. mostly fighting. a lot of frustrating, exasperating arguments have taken place over the last few months. i'm starting to feel a little mental. [okay, a lot mental.]

i've been so confused as to why this is. why, for when the first time in my life, i feel as though everything is going right, am i this frustrated? i've got the wonderful friendships, the supportive family, the great career, the cute little apartment in the city and most of all, the immense lack of negativity in my life. there are no storms; life is calm.

but that's the thing.

the storms have all passed and i no longer have to focus on surviving them; now, i've got to focus on all the debris that's been left behind and force myself to start picking up the pieces.

and that is proving to be harder than the storms themselves. because now the questions start. now that i don't have anything else to focus on, it's just me. it's what i want and need, no one else. and what do i want, what do i need, who am i, really, without any storms?

standing under a clear sky, amidst all the debris, trying to find those answers is scary as hell.

adjusting my vision.

i love inspiring words/mantras/phrases, so when i came across my particularly inspiring daily horoscope earlier this week, i immediately wrote it down in my planner, in a place where i could see it every day.

i think these words are not only inspiring for me (the ever-so-dramatic leo), but for every other zodiac sign as well.

enjoy!

amplifying the volume of romance in your life can be easy if you admit that romance doesn't just relate to a love relationship. romance exists wherever there is beauty, wherever there is music, wherever there are two people laughing over a private joke. you need to adjust your vision to include a wider view of what is romantic. then, you will start to see romance a lot more often. cherish the way you relate to the world. smell the roses. you're rushing around too much to notice the magic.

the game.

if he doesn't want to see me, then why even ask to see me? am i just some fun girl to drunk text on saturday night? is he too shy to actually follow through on plans?
 
is he just not that into me??
 
i've asked all of these questions before. with the same man nonetheless. (i had a crush on michael four years ago; we lost touch up until a few months ago. since then he's been texting and emailing regularly, and has even made a couple attempts at plans with me-- none of which he's ever followed through on.)
 
but there's a difference between my 22-year-old self asking these questions and my 26-year-old self asking them. before, i would exhaust myself trying to come up with the answers. now, i don't care what the answers are.
 
i. don't. care.
 
the game has been fun. it really has. all of the questions, the unknowns, the "i-wonder-when-he'll-call"s, the great sex followed by three weeks of no contact. wondering which card you're going to be dealt next, hoping to land the right cards and win the game. i've loved it; i've thrived off the drama of it all.
 
but i'm done with it. i want to use my get-out-of-jail-free card, i want to jump off the board, i want to stop the drama and i want to be REAL.
 
the game stops now.

nightmare vs. reality

the last few nights, it's been like clockwork. i wake up with a gasp, dripping in sweat, hazy with sleep, wondering if the nightmare is real. they've all been so different, yet completely similar in their horrendous nature.

i've witnessed scenes in my nightmares that i don't wish to repeat in reality. but these nightmares have been so real, they've made me re-evaluate the way i live my reality.

and the reality is-- there's always something to complain about. i'm not thin enough; my hair isn't long enough. i don't own a house i'm not sure i'll ever have a successful relationship.

but i also have a college degree and a job that relates directly to my degree and my interests. i have an active social life and i live in a hip neighborhood in the heart of the city. i might not have a child quite yet, but i do have a cute little cat, whom i love with all my heart. (and i graciously accept and embrace all of the "crazy cat lady" references, thank you.)

life is good and i am LIVING it. so for that, i thank my insanely real nightmares for showing me what life very well COULD be like-- and for shutting up those nagging negative voices in my head.

three men and a week.

three men, one week.... two and a half failures.

the gorgeous bahamian artist turned out to be an unemployed 34-year-old with no electricity and a daughter somewhere out in the world. great conversation, delicious eye candy, but as far as stability and commitment? goodbye.

the 23-year-old football player with a killer body and even better kisses turned out to only want me for one thing....which is pretty much the one thing that every other 23-year-old male (and 24, 25, 26 and 27-year-old male) wants out of a woman. beautiful and fun to be around, yes, but i refuse to be yet another notch on someone's widdled down bedpost.

and the goofy grey-haired white guy turned out to be "that guy" at saturday night's party-- planting a few sloppy gross ones on me and then proceeding to get inebriated to the point of vomiting outside the car window on the way home.

(i only give this one a half a failure point, because he is gainfully employed, sans children, he voted for obama, and, let's face it-- i've been there with my head outside the car window a time or two.)

needless to say, i'm not feeling very optimistic these days.