all smiles.

and my happiness is complete.

happiness, part II.

recently, another man in my life engaged me in another uninvited conversation about my 'downfalls' and offered yet more unsolicited life advice on how to fix it all, using words i desperately wish were not part of the english language. unfortunately, this is not the first time the situation has played out in my life. fortunately, it will be the last.

i debated whether or not to share this intensely personal letter written to him (never to be sent, only used as a tool to empty myself of my anger and frustration), but those of you who know me (the four of you who read this blog...) know i'm an open book and know how much it helps me to get my feelings out. so--read away. but be warned-- this is raw, emotional and a little crude. that's just me.

you say you know me. you say you care about me. you called me a slut in the name of friendship and you practically begged me to 'find happiness in my life.' you shot your words off too soon and with no information, other than the little bits i've let you in on these last few months. here's a little light for you.

i carried myself through an abusive relationship that lasted far longer than it should have. in that respect, i know what it's like to be weak. i know what it's like to be so weak that i went back to the man who called me a whore, i went back to the man who pushed me down in the snow in the middle of the street, i went back to the man who called me a bitch, who called me worthless. and i know what it's like to be so weak that i actually believed it all.

i also know what it's like to be strong. i know what kind of inner strength it takes to stop sobbing, pick myself up off the bathroom floor and force myself to believe that something better lay ahead of me. i know what kind of strength it takes to teach myself all over again that i am not a whore, i am not a bitch, and i am not worthless. i know the amount of strength it takes to push those words--words that have been so ingrained in the mind-- out and start with a clean slate.

i also know that it takes not only strength to do all of this, but also faith-- faith in better days, faith in myself, faith in my power to control my destiny, and faith that god really does have a hand in it all, and is walking with me every step of the way. your small words do not change what i know.

i struggle with it every day. i struggle with my happiness every day, but my god, am i grateful for this struggle. am i grateful to know both how cruel and how beautiful this world can be. because of that, i know happiness when i feel it. and i'm not happy every day, and the struggles will always be there-- but that's ME. and i know me.

you do not know me. you will never have the privilege of knowing me. nor do you, or will you ever, have the right to tell me how to live my life. just because i let you in my bed for two months does not mean you're an expert on me. and it most certainly does not make me a slut.

now, you have the right to believe whatever you want to believe about me, and that's fine-- just know that from now on, your small words will be met with an iron shield, thrown right back at you.

i've struggled for two years with why god would allow me to go through what i went through in my last relationship, why i would be allowed to suffer for so long. now i know why. it was so i would never again let another man attack me with his awful words. i've been given the grace to stop this before it gets any worse, and for that i am so very thankful. i am indifferent to whatever it is you've said or will say to me in the future, and that brings me more peace than i've felt in two years.

it's a peace i truly hope you're able to someday feel.

happiness, part I

i miss writing. true-- i write every day. i write newsletter articles and email campaigns, marketing copy and sales pitches. but this is my job, my career-- not my whole life.

and my life is happening, expanding. and i need to write about it again.

(deep dramatic sighs....)

with my writing 'itch' seemingly incurable, i recently did what was previously unthinkable-- i bought myself a mac. a shiny new laptop that is my new best friend/constant companion. (and they say money can't buy you love....) my dad thinks i've been careless and far too extravagant with my money, my mom is thrilled with my 'new investment.' as for me?

i'm just so damn happy i get to write again.

a new day.

a new day, a new year. a new president, new hope, new attitude. a new computer, a brand new me.

stay tuned......

new year, new leaf.

last night, i entered new territory. perhaps territory i should've stayed away from, but now that i've been there, i'm happy i went.

a few texts and phone calls between myself and mutual friends, and my roommate and i were headed to the ex-whatever's apartment, to hunker down under blankets and watch a few comedies.

he and i politely acknowledged each other upon my arrival, and then i spent the majority of the evening talking with friends as he inched closer and closer to me on the couch.

i inched closer and closer away.

when the time came to leave, i found myself alone with him.

i asked him how he was doing.

"i'm okay. i've got my shield up."

(these words went straight to my heart.... no matter how crazy he is, i know buried somewhere inside of him is a good man. a scared man.)

i thanked him for having us over and told him it was good to see him.

"you know.... you can stay with me if you'd like. i promise i won't try anything. i'd like you to stay."

i smiled, gave him a hug, turned, and walked out the door.

this isn't helping cure my baby fever.

the double standard.*

*disclaimer: i have high hopes that this phase of my life will not turn into a lifestyle.

the past few weeks have turned me into a full-blown man-hater. a constantly-ranting, never-dating-again cynical woman. seriously, i think i may be one bad date away from burning my bra and never shaving my armpits again.

why, you ask? a few experiences have left me completely burned out on the opposite sex.

1. last weekend, several sexually-charged text messages sent to me from a self-described "nice guy" about "just wanting to get to know me better," ranting about the "a**holes of the world who treat women like shi* and ruin it for those of us who want to treat a woman right." uh-huh. and i suppose by treating a woman right you mean implying how badly you want to come home with her after meeting her at the bar and talking with her for 20 minutes, immediately feeling comfortable enough to use the word "hun" in reference to her. (just to clarify, he most certainly did not come home with me.)

2. again last weekend, after running into an old bartender friend, i received several sexually-charged text messages from him. i should mention he happens to have a live-in girlfriend. (i do not appreciate being told my perfume makes someone horny when they've got a girl waiting for them at home, thank you very much.)

3. and finally-- an ex-whatever spending the two months we were "together" alternating between staying over nearly every night and calling nearly every day, to insisting he didn't want a girlfriend, to acting the jealous boyfriend part, to announcing to my roommate and i over breakfast that after two months of daily contact (emotional, mental and physical), he and i were most certainly not dating, to finally having it end when he decided i was simply too frustrating to deal with.

if any of the above instances had been initiated by a girl-- i.e. WE were the ones sending the texts, or spending two bipolar months with a man-- we'd be labeled "crazy," "psycho," or any other number of unflattering nicknames-- and we'd have to "learn from it." but a man is just simply being "himself." no consequences, no lessons, no feeling bad or guilty. just carrying on.

the double standard. it is for this reason that i will spend the foreseeable future loving my life as a man-hater.