adjusting my vision.

i love inspiring words/mantras/phrases, so when i came across my particularly inspiring daily horoscope earlier this week, i immediately wrote it down in my planner, in a place where i could see it every day.

i think these words are not only inspiring for me (the ever-so-dramatic leo), but for every other zodiac sign as well.

enjoy!

amplifying the volume of romance in your life can be easy if you admit that romance doesn't just relate to a love relationship. romance exists wherever there is beauty, wherever there is music, wherever there are two people laughing over a private joke. you need to adjust your vision to include a wider view of what is romantic. then, you will start to see romance a lot more often. cherish the way you relate to the world. smell the roses. you're rushing around too much to notice the magic.

the game.

if he doesn't want to see me, then why even ask to see me? am i just some fun girl to drunk text on saturday night? is he too shy to actually follow through on plans?
 
is he just not that into me??
 
i've asked all of these questions before. with the same man nonetheless. (i had a crush on michael four years ago; we lost touch up until a few months ago. since then he's been texting and emailing regularly, and has even made a couple attempts at plans with me-- none of which he's ever followed through on.)
 
but there's a difference between my 22-year-old self asking these questions and my 26-year-old self asking them. before, i would exhaust myself trying to come up with the answers. now, i don't care what the answers are.
 
i. don't. care.
 
the game has been fun. it really has. all of the questions, the unknowns, the "i-wonder-when-he'll-call"s, the great sex followed by three weeks of no contact. wondering which card you're going to be dealt next, hoping to land the right cards and win the game. i've loved it; i've thrived off the drama of it all.
 
but i'm done with it. i want to use my get-out-of-jail-free card, i want to jump off the board, i want to stop the drama and i want to be REAL.
 
the game stops now.

nightmare vs. reality

the last few nights, it's been like clockwork. i wake up with a gasp, dripping in sweat, hazy with sleep, wondering if the nightmare is real. they've all been so different, yet completely similar in their horrendous nature.

i've witnessed scenes in my nightmares that i don't wish to repeat in reality. but these nightmares have been so real, they've made me re-evaluate the way i live my reality.

and the reality is-- there's always something to complain about. i'm not thin enough; my hair isn't long enough. i don't own a house i'm not sure i'll ever have a successful relationship.

but i also have a college degree and a job that relates directly to my degree and my interests. i have an active social life and i live in a hip neighborhood in the heart of the city. i might not have a child quite yet, but i do have a cute little cat, whom i love with all my heart. (and i graciously accept and embrace all of the "crazy cat lady" references, thank you.)

life is good and i am LIVING it. so for that, i thank my insanely real nightmares for showing me what life very well COULD be like-- and for shutting up those nagging negative voices in my head.

three men and a week.

three men, one week.... two and a half failures.

the gorgeous bahamian artist turned out to be an unemployed 34-year-old with no electricity and a daughter somewhere out in the world. great conversation, delicious eye candy, but as far as stability and commitment? goodbye.

the 23-year-old football player with a killer body and even better kisses turned out to only want me for one thing....which is pretty much the one thing that every other 23-year-old male (and 24, 25, 26 and 27-year-old male) wants out of a woman. beautiful and fun to be around, yes, but i refuse to be yet another notch on someone's widdled down bedpost.

and the goofy grey-haired white guy turned out to be "that guy" at saturday night's party-- planting a few sloppy gross ones on me and then proceeding to get inebriated to the point of vomiting outside the car window on the way home.

(i only give this one a half a failure point, because he is gainfully employed, sans children, he voted for obama, and, let's face it-- i've been there with my head outside the car window a time or two.)

needless to say, i'm not feeling very optimistic these days.