happiness, part II.

recently, another man in my life engaged me in another uninvited conversation about my 'downfalls' and offered yet more unsolicited life advice on how to fix it all, using words i desperately wish were not part of the english language. unfortunately, this is not the first time the situation has played out in my life. fortunately, it will be the last.

i debated whether or not to share this intensely personal letter written to him (never to be sent, only used as a tool to empty myself of my anger and frustration), but those of you who know me (the four of you who read this blog...) know i'm an open book and know how much it helps me to get my feelings out. so--read away. but be warned-- this is raw, emotional and a little crude. that's just me.

you say you know me. you say you care about me. you called me a slut in the name of friendship and you practically begged me to 'find happiness in my life.' you shot your words off too soon and with no information, other than the little bits i've let you in on these last few months. here's a little light for you.

i carried myself through an abusive relationship that lasted far longer than it should have. in that respect, i know what it's like to be weak. i know what it's like to be so weak that i went back to the man who called me a whore, i went back to the man who pushed me down in the snow in the middle of the street, i went back to the man who called me a bitch, who called me worthless. and i know what it's like to be so weak that i actually believed it all.

i also know what it's like to be strong. i know what kind of inner strength it takes to stop sobbing, pick myself up off the bathroom floor and force myself to believe that something better lay ahead of me. i know what kind of strength it takes to teach myself all over again that i am not a whore, i am not a bitch, and i am not worthless. i know the amount of strength it takes to push those words--words that have been so ingrained in the mind-- out and start with a clean slate.

i also know that it takes not only strength to do all of this, but also faith-- faith in better days, faith in myself, faith in my power to control my destiny, and faith that god really does have a hand in it all, and is walking with me every step of the way. your small words do not change what i know.

i struggle with it every day. i struggle with my happiness every day, but my god, am i grateful for this struggle. am i grateful to know both how cruel and how beautiful this world can be. because of that, i know happiness when i feel it. and i'm not happy every day, and the struggles will always be there-- but that's ME. and i know me.

you do not know me. you will never have the privilege of knowing me. nor do you, or will you ever, have the right to tell me how to live my life. just because i let you in my bed for two months does not mean you're an expert on me. and it most certainly does not make me a slut.

now, you have the right to believe whatever you want to believe about me, and that's fine-- just know that from now on, your small words will be met with an iron shield, thrown right back at you.

i've struggled for two years with why god would allow me to go through what i went through in my last relationship, why i would be allowed to suffer for so long. now i know why. it was so i would never again let another man attack me with his awful words. i've been given the grace to stop this before it gets any worse, and for that i am so very thankful. i am indifferent to whatever it is you've said or will say to me in the future, and that brings me more peace than i've felt in two years.

it's a peace i truly hope you're able to someday feel.