last night, i entered new territory. perhaps territory i should've stayed away from, but now that i've been there, i'm happy i went.
a few texts and phone calls between myself and mutual friends, and my roommate and i were headed to the ex-whatever's apartment, to hunker down under blankets and watch a few comedies.
he and i politely acknowledged each other upon my arrival, and then i spent the majority of the evening talking with friends as he inched closer and closer to me on the couch.
i inched closer and closer away.
when the time came to leave, i found myself alone with him.
i asked him how he was doing.
"i'm okay. i've got my shield up."
(these words went straight to my heart.... no matter how crazy he is, i know buried somewhere inside of him is a good man. a scared man.)
i thanked him for having us over and told him it was good to see him.
"you know.... you can stay with me if you'd like. i promise i won't try anything. i'd like you to stay."
i smiled, gave him a hug, turned, and walked out the door.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
the double standard.*
*disclaimer: i have high hopes that this phase of my life will not turn into a lifestyle.
the past few weeks have turned me into a full-blown man-hater. a constantly-ranting, never-dating-again cynical woman. seriously, i think i may be one bad date away from burning my bra and never shaving my armpits again.
why, you ask? a few experiences have left me completely burned out on the opposite sex.
1. last weekend, several sexually-charged text messages sent to me from a self-described "nice guy" about "just wanting to get to know me better," ranting about the "a**holes of the world who treat women like shi* and ruin it for those of us who want to treat a woman right." uh-huh. and i suppose by treating a woman right you mean implying how badly you want to come home with her after meeting her at the bar and talking with her for 20 minutes, immediately feeling comfortable enough to use the word "hun" in reference to her. (just to clarify, he most certainly did not come home with me.)
2. again last weekend, after running into an old bartender friend, i received several sexually-charged text messages from him. i should mention he happens to have a live-in girlfriend. (i do not appreciate being told my perfume makes someone horny when they've got a girl waiting for them at home, thank you very much.)
3. and finally-- an ex-whatever spending the two months we were "together" alternating between staying over nearly every night and calling nearly every day, to insisting he didn't want a girlfriend, to acting the jealous boyfriend part, to announcing to my roommate and i over breakfast that after two months of daily contact (emotional, mental and physical), he and i were most certainly not dating, to finally having it end when he decided i was simply too frustrating to deal with.
if any of the above instances had been initiated by a girl-- i.e. WE were the ones sending the texts, or spending two bipolar months with a man-- we'd be labeled "crazy," "psycho," or any other number of unflattering nicknames-- and we'd have to "learn from it." but a man is just simply being "himself." no consequences, no lessons, no feeling bad or guilty. just carrying on.
the double standard. it is for this reason that i will spend the foreseeable future loving my life as a man-hater.
the past few weeks have turned me into a full-blown man-hater. a constantly-ranting, never-dating-again cynical woman. seriously, i think i may be one bad date away from burning my bra and never shaving my armpits again.
why, you ask? a few experiences have left me completely burned out on the opposite sex.
1. last weekend, several sexually-charged text messages sent to me from a self-described "nice guy" about "just wanting to get to know me better," ranting about the "a**holes of the world who treat women like shi* and ruin it for those of us who want to treat a woman right." uh-huh. and i suppose by treating a woman right you mean implying how badly you want to come home with her after meeting her at the bar and talking with her for 20 minutes, immediately feeling comfortable enough to use the word "hun" in reference to her. (just to clarify, he most certainly did not come home with me.)
2. again last weekend, after running into an old bartender friend, i received several sexually-charged text messages from him. i should mention he happens to have a live-in girlfriend. (i do not appreciate being told my perfume makes someone horny when they've got a girl waiting for them at home, thank you very much.)
3. and finally-- an ex-whatever spending the two months we were "together" alternating between staying over nearly every night and calling nearly every day, to insisting he didn't want a girlfriend, to acting the jealous boyfriend part, to announcing to my roommate and i over breakfast that after two months of daily contact (emotional, mental and physical), he and i were most certainly not dating, to finally having it end when he decided i was simply too frustrating to deal with.
if any of the above instances had been initiated by a girl-- i.e. WE were the ones sending the texts, or spending two bipolar months with a man-- we'd be labeled "crazy," "psycho," or any other number of unflattering nicknames-- and we'd have to "learn from it." but a man is just simply being "himself." no consequences, no lessons, no feeling bad or guilty. just carrying on.
the double standard. it is for this reason that i will spend the foreseeable future loving my life as a man-hater.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
the update.
one month, several "interesting" bus rides and one painful "breakup" later, here i am.
i've learned a lot in a month.
i've learned that working less than a mile from my dad (and in the skyway system at that, a wonderful, wonderful privilege for us minnesotans in the dead of winter) gives us the chance to share several lunches together, making our relationship the best it's ever been.
i've learned to (mostly) overcome my fear of elevators.... working on the 7th floor of a building will do that for you.
i've learned that even though it still might take me two hours to get home, taking the bus during a snowstorm is the absolute best way to go-- two hours and a 100 pages into valley of the dolls, and i'm home, sans all the stress that comes with that nasty traffic.
i've learned that i no longer want to waste any more tears on yet another man who doesn't deserve them, and i've learned that not only can i feel again, but that i can move on from those feelings and create my own happiness, control my own future.
i've learned a lot in a month.
i've learned that working less than a mile from my dad (and in the skyway system at that, a wonderful, wonderful privilege for us minnesotans in the dead of winter) gives us the chance to share several lunches together, making our relationship the best it's ever been.
i've learned to (mostly) overcome my fear of elevators.... working on the 7th floor of a building will do that for you.
i've learned that even though it still might take me two hours to get home, taking the bus during a snowstorm is the absolute best way to go-- two hours and a 100 pages into valley of the dolls, and i'm home, sans all the stress that comes with that nasty traffic.
i've learned that i no longer want to waste any more tears on yet another man who doesn't deserve them, and i've learned that not only can i feel again, but that i can move on from those feelings and create my own happiness, control my own future.
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